Early Season Anti-Award Leaders/Losers

I was bored, so I decided to do a thing with the lack of media this season. I figured I'd highlight the worst of the worst for S38 thus far. Gotta make some of the people who are having miserable seasons feel good about themselves by winning something. This is just for jokes, filled with terribly amazing puns, and gifs. If you're offended by anything... Just be better. If there's enough interest in this perhaps I'll revisit the "awards" at seasons end. Enjoy!

Automatic Awards

Anti-Calder/Anti-Presidents

Ontario Reign
- The hands down preseason favorite still find themselves last in the league, but perhaps there's some hope on the horizon coming off their first winning week of the season.

Runner-up: Providence Bruins
- These guys could easily overtake Ontario. So far there have been no signs of life for the Baby Bruins.


Jack A. Butterfingers Trophy
(Awarded to the least valuable player on the worst team in the league)
Winner: @Sumaaa--
- Owner of the worst record for the worst team in the league. Sorry, not sorry!

Runner-up: @Vachxnsky

Richard F. "Cant"ing Trophy
(Worst team in the Eastern Conference)

Providence Bruins

Robert "No" W. Clarke Trophy
(Worst team in the Western Conference)

Ontario Reign

EmiLe Francis Trophy
(Worst team in the Eastern Atlantic)

Providence Bruins

The Broomchump Award
(Worst team in the East North)

Syracuse Crunch - When will @Hayes x 13 win another game?

Sam PoLLock Trophy
(Worst team in the Western Central)

Grand Rapids Griffins - This is why goalies shouldn't be free contracts @l Leddy l

John "No" D. Chick Award
(Worst team in the Western Pacific)

Ontario Reign

John B. SoLLenberger Trophy
(Awarded to the forward with the least amount of points; min 10 games played)

Winner: @Mike Shea 19 (2-10 with 9 points). Very unimpressive.

Runner up: @All Worried (4-8 with 11 points). Yes. You and Milwaukee should be very worried!


Anti-Rocket Award (Awarded to the worst goal scorer in the regular season; min 10 games played)

Winner: @BozWPG (7-5 with 1 goal). A miserable 2.3% shooting on the season. I'm not sure if this bum would score on a soccer net.

Runner-up: @All Worried (4-8 with 1 goal). Say thank you to Boz for being brutal!


Harry "Unhappy" Holmes Memorial Award (Awarded to the goaltenders of the team who've given up the most amount of goals)

Winners: @Czap17 @NigelFromTinder

- It's been a goalie carousel in Ontario and the team would be miserable with two goalies playing simultaneously anyway, so it's no fault of their own for winning this award. The team has given up 170 goals in 36 games... That's an average of 4.7 goals per game. Yikes.



Bossy's Nominated Awards

UseLes Cunningham Award (Awarded to the league's least valuable player)

Winner: @Hayes x 13 (1-9-2, 15 points -22)
- Surprisingly these aren't the worst numbers in the league, but to be a free contract and to have a season like this so far pretty easily makes you the least valuable player. Figure it out!

Runner-up: @I Txrtle l (1-9-2, 15 points -28)
- These numbers having spent most of the season on a playoff team is a big yikes.


Eddie I'm Not "Shore" You're A Dman Award (Awarded to the AHL's worst defenseman)

Winner: @Makaaarrrr (1-6-4, 9 points -19)

- I feel for Makar. I can relate to going for an absurd contract and having a miserable season on only miserable teams. Good guy, and we should all feel bad for him.

Runner-up: @Sumaaa-- (1-9-2, 4 points -15)
- If I hadn't already given Suma an award, he might've been the winner so far this season, but he comes slightly behind Makar due to the lower contract and worse team.


Aldedge "Bad" Bastien Memorial Award (Awarded to the league's worst goalie)

Winner: @TealCypress3011 (10-8, .680% sv, 3.41 GAA).
- These numbers aren't quite the worst in the league, but they are pretty awful, especially when considering the quality of team that's playing in front of him.

Runner-up: @l Saucy x 17 l
(4-8, .674% sv, 3.51 GAA).
- These numbers are slightly worse than the winner, but given the fact that he's played the minimum amount of goalie games possible, I can't rank him ahead of Cypress... Yet.


Nail Yakupov Award a.k.a. Anti-Datsyuk Award (Awarded to the forward who least excels in the defensive aspects of the game)

Co-Winners: @SpruceMoose91 @Drake0807 (65 GA in 12 games, 5.4 goals per game).
- Perhaps this inseparable wing duo doesn't know what defense looks like or maybe Ontario was simply that miserable... I'll go with the latter since these two only allowed six goals in three games with Syracuse last week.

Runner-up: @I Txrtle l (62 GA in 12 games, 5.16 goals per game).
- Pretty miserable defensive numbers for a Center. Sorry.


Anti-Fred T. Hunt Memorial Trophy (Awarded to the player who exhibited the lowest levels of sportsmanship and ungentlemanly conduct, combined with a low standard of playing ability)
Note: I was going to make a pun with Fred T. Hunt's name for this award, but I wanted to make sure I wouldn't potentially need to nominate myself for the award

Winner: @P t P 10 (Should be perma-banned)

I could be missing something, but I feel like the AHL hasn't had any ridiculously crazy bans this season. Certainly nothing that comes close to PtP (hopefully we never will). That's all I'm going to say on this topic.

Runner-up: @Game 7 W (Unsurprisingly banned)

Again, not an AHLer (shouldn't have been an NHLer either). He got what everyone expected.


The "Dud" Red Garrett Memorial Award (Awarded to the least outstanding AHL rookie)

Winner: @Zdeno x 17
(2-7-1, 1 point, -20)

- Tough rookie assignment, ending up on an unspectacular Grand Rapids team after bidding. Things didn't improve with his new team last week.

Runner-up: @Muzzin x 8
(2-7-2, 14 points, -9).
- Speaking of tough rookie assignments... It doesn't get worse than being thrust into taking the free contract of the previously management-less Reign. All things considered, Muzzin's numbers aren't as bad as you'd expect.


The Mike Milbury Award (Awarded to the least outstanding management team in the regular season)

Winner: Belleville Senators (@Vargy @The Broche @Smarsh I 2 I)

- The standings don't particularly show these guys as being the favorite, however they are so far incredibly deserving of this award. They took a team loaded with returning assets, made some Milbury-esque trades and some questionable bidding decisions to turn this team into mediocrity. Still plenty of time for these guys to turn it around. Perhaps other teams lower in the standings appear more deserving (ie Providence/Ontario, but their current managers didn't put them into the messes they're in). Other teams are certainly struggling more than Belleville, but I've already touched on them, and none of them had the expectations that Belleville had going into the season.

Runner-up: @SweetLou9208

- Even though he's not in the AHL, I simply couldn't miss by putting him here. What he did with Ontario this season is honestly a joke, and the league should seriously consider throwing him on the NML if Ontario continues to be a mess.

 

Well done, enjoyed the read. Hopefully this helps motivate certain guys!

 

I feel honored.

 

Crunch represent!!

 

Congratulations @P t P 10

 

Bruhh, chill out on Lou. His MGT backed out last min. To even mention putting him on the NML list is anything but op. The state of Ontario is trending and being handled.

Our goalies are fine. Nigels been on the team for like 72 hours. The high amount of goals you speak of were not on the 2 tendy's we have now.

Im good with the post and I can handle the pokes at me and the boys, I think it's a good read, but some things here are a little out of bounds.

Appreciate the content otherwise.

 

I specifically mentioned in the post that the current goalies were not responsible for the goals. They just so happen to be the current goalies on Ontario to receive the "award." Like the real life Jennings trophy gets awarded to the goalies on the team who've given up the fewest goals during the regular season. It's basically a team award, but given individually too the goalies. In this case Ontario has given up the most goals on the season.

I also specifically mentioned that you guys had your best week. Still plenty of time left in the season, and a lot can change with the 10 game week coming up. I decided to post this now as we're getting close to the halfway point in the season.

As far as Lou is concerned. Everything 100% falls on him. He waited a long time to grab his original managers who nobody had ever heard of, and they quit in like a day. Lou still had about a week before AHL bidding after those dudes quit to find literally anyone, and he didn't. Lou was literally the only person on Ontario who I said anything negative about, everyone else from Ontario who was mentioned can directly blame Lou.

 

3 more goals than @BozWPG here (if you count own goals).

That's poggers

 

I'm all about PK clears now.

 

good stuff buddy thanks for the write up.

 

I can confirm that @The Broche is genuinely upset about this write up. Keep up the good work

 

great write up!

 

You can't get PK clears when you're the reason we're on the PK

 

I knew we would be runner-up to something at the beginning of the season. Great write up I did laugh a few times !

 

I feel disgusted that i wasnt mentioned. @Sumaaa-- and @Muzzin x 8 are 100000x better than me.

 

Hockey school starts tomorrow

 

Faxxxxx

 

I should retire after this season smh

 

When do I get my award for most washed?

 

Not until i retire, pal....