Life in the Cage: Saves and Sieves (Week 1)

Discussion in 'Leaguegaming American Hockey League (LGAHL)' started by NotoriousFAT 00, Jun 3, 2017.

  1. NotoriousFAT 00

    NotoriousFAT 00 Former LG media kingpin, Wine gum lover, LG dad.

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    Hello LG AHLer's welcome to "Life in the Cage". This will be my hopefully weekly column with a red hot focus squarely placed on the most padded person on the ice, The goalie. The goalie is the most bizarre position in all of online hockey and by proxy that makes the person who chooses to play this incredibly frustrating position a true idiot. Not just "Dude your silly" kind of idiot but a real fuckin' fool kind of idiot. So lets get to it and drop as many names as possible. Welcome to the premier issue of "Life in the Cage".

    Some of you may know me as the handsome yet portly fellow from the @Da Young Buck driven "Overdrive" show. No not the guy with the lusterous long hair and weird cat fetish that is the now Anaheim Ducks owning @Vattyyy (Congrats again sir). The other guy. The one that generally knows nothing but somehow propelled the Season 26 Syracuse Crunch to championship glory!!! (@Mitchy Marns #1) Yes that guy. That's me NotoriousFAT 00. I joined up with Buck and the guys mid season 26 and have since fooled enough people into allowing me to grab media designation. It was decided as I have played as a G somewhat mediocrity for a few seasons I should tackle goalies in my article. So here Iam filling space and hopefully entertaining a few guys. For anyone mentioned below please don't take offence this is purely for entertainment purposes.

    Season 27 has just begun and there have already been a few surprizes. First and foremost in my mind is that of @Auggy32. Who is Auggy and how is he seemingly one of the top guys to start this burgeoning season? With all due respect Auggy I really have never seen your name before and honestly have no idea where you have come from. Checking in with a stellar 1.00 GAA through 4 games he has instantly become a guy I will keep my eyes on. It may be to the advantage of one Auggy to remain unknown as to not become a focal point for opponents. But I think it might be time for @OrpiksCornhole to pass the starting reigns over to Auggy in Providence. At least until the wheels fall off.

    Also shocking to me is the play of one @Darcy Kuemper. I'm not surprized of the ability of this young man with an impressive 2 shutouts in week one. NO not at all. What Iam shocked by is that he appears to be coherant enough to operate the controller with apparent ease. I checked with my sources and it appears that Darcy managed to scramble over the barb wire topped, eight foot tall fence at his rehabilitation center. Gods speed Darcy. @Horvat ll53ll and @OrockOnYoutube better keep tabs on whats in the "water" bottle of Mr Kuemper.

    Third on my list is the enigma known better as my fellow media member @Im_Faces. Faces who for whatever reason decided season 27 was going to be the year he jumps in between the pipes and gives it a go. The community was divided over whether this was either A) A terrible idea. Or B) Really fuckin' stupid. Well we will have to all see how it all plays out but so far he appears to be playing pretty well ruining everyones fun in the process. Well enough in fact to seemingly displace the incumbant @Tatar l21l. Will this brew some kind of goalie controversy in Hartford? Who fuckin' cares! My thinking is Faces is saving most shots at this point due to his mouth being wide open talking about how great he is. It should also be noted I saw at least one save made while he wildly threw his arm up to pat himself on the back.

    Notable mentions for the right reasons: @lVlDewMan 6-0 start!, @ll 7th ll 5-0 start!, @LAZYKIDZinGA Eating up 113 shots.


    Now on to the real heros of the AHL. The bottom feeders. The guys that get fucked over by bad defence, Bad luck, Bad management, EA, Or perhaps they just fuckin blow? Heres to you. I feel your pain.

    Im going to start with @The Clam Wiper. Not only is your record of 0-5 pretty bad (it's excusable because these things happen) but truthfully your name is just fuckin' gross!. I don't mean in the way all these young guys are saying the word like "Oh that goal was gross" after a nice dangle. I mean it gives me the willies. It makes me feel the way uncle Frank did all those years ago. You need to change that up my dude! Perhaps a few suggestions I can toss your way? I present to you "Captain Clam"? Less disgusting still with the clam connotation. Secondly "The shucker" and finally "Swiss Cheese". Just suggestions, Let it marinate.

    Second on my list is a two for one deal! @Fiddlehead75 @joek5 What in the fawk is going on in Bridegport? God damn I thought the hazmat team scrubbed all the @LAINGX15 out of that building. Apparently not as these two have found a way to combine for an absolute cock hammeringly bad 69.6 Save %. Now this may not be solely a goaltending problem as the defence could be equally as inept. But it may be time to just dust off the old "Mr Seive" in Bridgeport.

    Lastly but most importantly lastly we have @Strap da fooI. You my friend are off to one of the worst starts I have ever seen. Last in the AHL with a 6.68 GAA. Last in the AHL with a 60 Save %. Twenty goals against in just 3 games! Your team allowed just 16 in the remaining 6 games. Now maybe your teamates are assholes? Perhaps this is some weird form of cyber bullying? Its even possible that there was a stat entering error. But for the safety of this player @l Ristolainen l keep him away from all stores that sell rope, Keep him off of high ledges, Do not leave him unattended with sharp objects. He is a risk to himself and if you keep playing him your season. I really hope you can turn it around Strap.

    Notable mentions for all the wrong reasons: @Matt l85l You've pulled more rubber out of your net than most offshore fishermen pull crab, @Sanctifiy Bet your missing your Wolf pals now, @NotoriousFAT 00 Things were going well until game 5 this week. Get Good!

    Thanks for reading and again please don't get butt hurt people this is all in good fun. Feel free to comment below I can take it as good as I give it (NO HOMO).

    NotoriousFAT 00
     
    Last edited: Jun 3, 2017
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  2. Wreck It Random

    Wreck It Random Well-Known Member

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    2-7 on the week, still don't have the worst goalies. I'M COUNTING THIS AS A WIN!
     
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    Don't ever try to start a goalie controversy in Hartford! Me and @Im_Faces support each other in net!
     
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  4. Hutty x

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    Mxckie Banana League Hero

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  6. ChiToWnB3atD0wN

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    This was actually a pretty sick read lol. Well done @NotoriousFAT 00, appreciate the effort homie.
     
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  7. APsychicTaco

    APsychicTaco Scrub Goalie Supreme

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    @NotoriousFAT 00 the read was so good that I not only read the article the whole way through my morning poop but I even continued to sit and read to completion. Simply amazing job. <3
     
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  8. SchwimpEggWoll

    SchwimpEggWoll Mees le Pleb

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    Unless it's an inside joke or something, Sanctify was never a member of the Little Penguins. Good write up Notorious! The only issue is, you blew @Im_Faces head up too much. They barely make helmets to fit his head as is.
     
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  9. Rico Suave TOS

    Rico Suave TOS Julian Traverso

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    @NotoriousFAT 00 well done brother!! Was a great read!! 10/10 would read again ;)
     
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  10. Huddy

    Huddy Man.

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    Well done fat great write up can't wait for next week
     
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  11. IVIDewMan

    IVIDewMan Well-Known Member

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  12. Andvaur

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    I did not see one mention of a sieve in here I demand a refund
     
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  13. Lividpenguin342

    Lividpenguin342 Well-Known Member

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    @AZNmatt. Kid is a stud on a team that was ranked low one of my fav goalies so far
     
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  14. Darse

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  15. NotoriousFAT 00

    NotoriousFAT 00 Former LG media kingpin, Wine gum lover, LG dad.

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    I stand corrected. It has been fixed. Note: Never go off of memory.
     
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  16. IIx OMARK xII

    IIx OMARK xII Well-Known Member

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    Stellar write up
     
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  17. l HowieDoo l

    l HowieDoo l Pylon here!!

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    Also great write up @NotoriousFAT 00 i know how much time these take. Enjoy the content
     
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  18. K U R B i O

    K U R B i O LG’s #1 Handsome Devil

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    Wow media worth investing time into? What is this virtual world coming to?


    Great read big guy
    @NotoriousFAT 00


    Please continue this next week
     
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  19. NotoriousFAT 00

    NotoriousFAT 00 Former LG media kingpin, Wine gum lover, LG dad.

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    24 hours and 359 views! I would say that was a success. Can't wait to write the next one.
     
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  20. AZNmatt

    AZNmatt Well-Known Member

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    thanks @LividPenguin924 , appreciate the complim
     
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