Media Vol. 5, Issue No. 1 — Season 10 Midseason Special

Imgur link: http://i.imgur.com/RXm6fWS.jpg

 

Midseason power rankings

Rankings are based on where I believe a team will finish, not current standings. - nubsy004

1. Newcastle
Picking up where they left off with a runner-up finish in Season 9, the Magpies have built a quality squad via bidding and trades, and after two weeks lead the league by less than a game. S9 Playmaker Award winner @l M0NEY l was back on the squad after snaking into bidding and surviving a homemade bleacha coloda at Man City. But as of an hour ago, he's been moved to Watford. Striker @eLeX Lazer is making his bid for golden boot this season, leading with 9 goals and looking to claim the title swiped by @l Murked l last season. As a team, Newcastle are 2 points clear of Hull and in the driver's seat for a league title. If the Magpies keep doing what they are doing defensively, allowing only 5 goals in 12 games and racking up 8 clean sheets, the rest of the field will have a tough time catching them.

2. Sunderland
Sitting third in the table and two games behind Hull, Sunderland is making moves like Jagger and picked up S9 tackle leader and LGFA World Record holder @JaysWayss to supplement the midfield. At 5-5-2, the Black Cats have been in a slew of close games. LGFA Furher @Brisan66 has decreed his way into a starting CAM position, and Owner @Bitetto02, despite all warnings against it, has made his glorious way back to striker. However, with only 4 goals so far, he's a ways off from reclaiming his "Golden Bootetto" moniker. Even with the position changes and drawing nearly half of their games played, Sunderland is in position to make some moved up the table in the final weeks.

3. Hull City
Seemingly everyone's new enemy in the league, Hull is continuing its tirade of wins in Season 10, but not quite at the same pace as a season ago. The Tigers in two weeks have lost as many games as all of last season, and a couple accusations of stat padding and reversed trades have hurt the integrity of the runaway champs of Season 9. @Thibeault x and @Unlucky Duke have made quite the attacking duo, with 11 goals and 9 assists between them, and let's face it, the rest of the team is solid, too. Despite having a similar roster to last season, the Tigers are a little more unpredictable this season and could finish anywhere between first and fourth.

4. Southampton
After a rough start to the season, the Saints have been doing a lot of praying. They have also been doing a lot of trading, moving S9 TOTS DMs @Duey912 and @JaysWayss, as well as trading former FA Cup hero @Texas Tenant and FUT God @Kx Mars l 11 l. Sitting in 6th in the table, a midseason rebuild was Southampton's only shot at making noise in the table or the FA Cup after a stinging 5-0 loss to Hull on Wednesday. Only time will tell if the moves were the right ones or not.

5. Liverpool
Occupying the No. 4 spot in the table this week. Liverpool also made some moves hoping to climb the ladder. Trading for Southampton's dynamic duo of @Duey921 and @SuLLy x11, the Reds' biggest deficiency is defense, suffering from a -2 goal differential with a palindrome 6-0-6 record. The Reds do like to spread the love on offense, with 9 players scoring goals and 7 bagging assists. However, They've parted ways with leading goalscorer @l Murked l, and there are a lot of questions as to what the future will bring performance-wise. Duey has promised to bring his giant backpack over to Anfield, but is it big enough?

6. Everton
A bit of a disappointment this season, and unluckily losing out on some big blind bids before the preseason, Owner @Fatal Enjoyment is looking to make good on early predictions and get School of Science back in class. Sitting at 7th in the table, Everton will surely move up with the quality of its roster. The only question is, how far and how quick can they do it?

7. Chelsea
A surprise looking at the standings, Chelsea came out of the blocks firing and sit in 5th place at 5-2-5. However, the Blues' 12 goals for and 16 against should have management sweating. Typically speaking, a team has to score more goals than it concedes to have a shot at any hardware. If the trend continues, Chelsea will surely fall a few spots.

8. Tottenham
Another team predicted to do better but struggling, Tottenham holds the No. 8 spot and, after 12 games, is one of only 3 teams with a single-digit figure in the goals for column. Owner @JLANE91 is as solid a striker as you could ask for, but one man can't carry a team that much. Unless they start using PEDs or make some big trades, No. 8 is where the Spurs shall stay.

9. Watford
Hello? Is this thing on? Watford, are you there? With one of the strongest lineups on paper and coming off a 4th-place finish in Season 9, the Hornets have quietly struggled more than any other team this season. With a league-leading 21 goals against, Watford has to shore up its back line to have any hope of finishing even mid-table, as they currently sit in 11th. Watford added @l M0NEY l to its roster today, but for as team that gives up so many goals, more offense surely is not the answer.

10. Manchester City
Where do we begin? City had a strong roster at the start of the season, but a double-tagging fiasco via former owner AngelSkywalker and the hiring of @xCFx l GATOR l have shaken the team to the core. Almost unbelievably, City has made 19 total trades, 5 of which were reversals. Hull, Everton and Tottenham have been on the unlucky end of the reversals. Trades by Gator have been in an effort to set up a 4-2-4 formation, which may be why the Citizens are in 9th place. Unless @K inG x NeymaR starts going ham, City has little hopes.

11. Manchester United
In 10th place and leading in goals against after week 1, the Reds have dropped off in week 2 and are struggling to create offense. With only 7 goals scored on the season, United's park the bus style, may have worked for a bit, but they'll have to start sending some people forward if they want to put the ball in the ole onion bag.

12. Arsenal
Arsenal is cursed. Drawing more than half of their games and winning only one, the Gunners are also offensively-challenged with only 7 goals in two weeks. Former Ballon d'Or winner @PANDA SwAGGGGG has lost his swag on the squad, still yet to score or assist and absent in Arsenal's lone league win. I'd like to say the Gunners can start gunning, but it ain't looking pretty.

Hull launches own state-run media
Soccer Jong Un threatens nuclear option after trade reversals

By nubsy004
LGFA Extra Time Editor/LGFA Access Co-Host
Big "news" has come out of KCOM Stadium, as after two trade reversals and a chatbox hullabaloo after taking a goal and win while Southampton was backing out of a game, Hull City has launched its own state-run media to combat the Liberal league media.
Owner Soccer Jong Un kicked off the new channel by threatening his nuclear option, threatening to blow up every team in the league and returning to league domination.
"Our two missile test failures with Manchester City have been poorly depicted by the LGFA," Un said. "Believe me, we are ready to blow up this league one failed trade at a time."
It took three attempts for Hull to capture Unlucky Evo, as two previous trades were reversed for what those damned Liberals called "bad faith."
"What the hell is 'bad faith' anyway?" Un asked. "I was playing smalls with AngelSkywalker for days trying to get him to trade me Evo, and he did it twice but the leftist powers that be in this league just don't want to see City succeed."
Feeling slighted by the league, Un is willing to do whatever it takes to get points, claiming a 2-1 win over Southampton in week 2 on a goal the Tigers scored while the Saints were backing out due to conflicting jerseys.
"Those scrubs don't know how to dashboard, and that's not my fault," Un opined. "I mean, if a cheap goal like that got scored on us, I wouldn't complain one bit about it. I was going to offer to replay the match, but Southampton Owner Captain Hook got fresh with me and hurt my feelings so I blew up that idea."
Not long after launching his state-run media, mainstream media jumped in to call his press releases fake news, claiming attempts at stat padding prove no one should take Un seriously.
"That assist I gave TBO was legit," Un cried. "He took a shot and the goalie parried it, and then Duke scored. Those assists count in NHL, so why don't they count in FIFA. And assists for drawing PKs should be a thing. EA can suck a fat one for taking my team's stats away."
All the activity in Hull has the LGFA world on edge and keeping a close eye for what tests may come next.

SATIRE DISCLOSURE: This article is not serious in nature. If you believe what you have read here, Extra Time and the LGFA relinquish all responsibilities regarding your actions. Carry on.

Q&A with nubsy004
FIFA player with one hand answers questions before everyone asks again

By nubsy004
LGFA Extra Time Editor/LGFA Access Co-Host
The cat is out of the bag.
After laying low for the most part in LGFA, word has spread this season that yes, I in fact have only one hand. Due to the deluge of questions in parties regarding my "situation," I am submitting this Q&A in an attempt to catch everyone up and not have to repeat myself anymore. If you have any other questions I haven't answered, keep them to yourself, or ask BOG JaysWayss, my official storyteller. Thank you.
Q: How did you lose your hand?
A: The following account by JaysWayss is fully accurate and was witnessed in person by the BOG: "He saw a young good looking maiden being chased by a polar bear. Being the daring young chap he once was, he leaped to her aid and started tussling with the great beast. He was able to lure the great beast to a cliff peak where the two engaged in fierce duet of legendary combat. And the rest, well, the rest has past into legend by now. Some say the howl of the great beast can still be heard today near that icy peak, while the hero known as Nubsy walks our very streets, the populace unaware they are in the presence of greatness."
Q: How do you play FIFA?
A: As noted previously in the eLeague Facebook page, I hold my controller upside down an press all the buttons with my penis. It's a really hard way to play, and sometimes I get dizzy from lack of blood flow to the brain. Missed passes, shots and dribbles may all be credited to said dizzyness.
Q: Do you use a normal controller?
A: Yes, I use a regular controller. Playing with my penis does not make me good enough to qualify to use an elite controller. I do, however, change the button mapping. I have all buttons set to play Y balls, but that's more of a play style change and not necessitated by having one hand.
Q: How does that work, like, with the ladies?
A: Acromotophilia. Look it up. Yes, I bang.
Q: Do you use a prosthetic?
A: Not normally, however, I do put on a hook when I get lit in the chatbox. This has led to a new nickname — Captain Hook — which is the most hilarious nickname and attempt at an insult I have ever received. Thus, I have embraced it and I am in talks with EA to have my pro modified to get my hook "In The Game."
Q: If you could get a Luke Skywalker-style surgery to get a hand, would you?
A: Not a chance in hell. The hook is way more fun. Plus, if I did get an actual hand, I'd have to totally relearn how to hold a controller and play with limbs other than my penis, which just doesn't sound like any fun.
Q: Can I play with one hand?
A: You can try, but you'll never do it like me.

SATIRE DISCLOSURE: This article is not serious in nature. If you believe what you have read here, Extra Time and the LGFA relinquish all responsibilities regarding your actions. Carry on.

 

BEGUN THE BATTLE OF MIDDLE EARTH HAS

 

I don't get a shout for being part of the reason Newcastle barely lets in goals?

 

I'm dead xD

 

Nubbem!!!!

 

Thanks!

 

yeah sunderland will be first soon

 

#MADONNAZ

 

The story never fails haha!

 

Good job Nubsy!