With the conclusion of Season 25, the Stockton Heat were able to outlast the Rochester Americans and win the fabled Calder Cup. While individual's names may be engraved on the hardware, who those players really are will not be included. I'm here to fill in that gap. Let the record show, that only Johnny Fivehole was brave enough (and handsome enough) to compile a list as thorough as this. Let's get started. Poutine Line: LW: @l SLIM x 8 l Slim is a one of a kind character. Our relationship began on a bad foot when Sackagawea traded me in Season 24 for slim. Couple that with Slim's 3rd grade English vocabulary, and it was a recipe for disaster. Luckily, as the season progressed, he proved himself to be a quality LW that could beat up on 3rd lines and bad teams all season. Many don't know this, but Subway actually offered him a sponsorship mid-season to promote their new line of Veggie Wraps. By the playoffs, his English had improved as well! Based off a team vote we estimate that he's now at a "child working in an 1860's coal mine" level. Congrats slim. Good luck to you in the NHL. AWARD: Most likely to incomprehensible ramble. Also: League MVP C: @l Sackagawea l I've never seen a GM catch so much crap from as many players as the old Sakball. Regardless of the great trades he would make, people still doubt him. Easily the best manager I've ever had, although that's not saying very much. Not many people can say they understand how brilliant some of his moves were this season. He had to rebuild our defense almost from the ground up, and did so perfectly. Although I wish I could join you in the NHL next season with Slim, I do not envy you. That's a very stressful job for anyone to take on. Fun Fact: Sakball already leads the NHL in "times threatened to quit" in a landslide. Award: GM of the Year RW: @Lebel x 71 Holy crap brother, I'm not going to say this again: GET RID OF THAT HAIR. I can think of at least 30 games where opposing teams were frozen with fear by lebel's man bun, allowing him to cone them. Honestly man, the last time I saw someone with such great thumbs I was at a hand modeling convention. Be sure to swap out those fingers for some NHL ones before next season though! (1-14-1 in NHL games) Fun Fact: Can get you free phone cards. Award: Worst Hair. RD: @Keith x l 2 l Not only do we have one of the biggest plebs I've ever seen, Keith is one of the best warmup goalies I've ever seen. Not too shabby at defense either honestly if he learns to not be nervous in Game 7s against the Admirals. My personal pick for Norris this season, and one of many teammates this season I can proudly call my friend. Prediction: Remains a pleb Award: Johnny's Friend LD: @McNasty x 97 Man, I really don't have a lot to say about mcnasty whatsoever, because I don't think he actually spoke at all this season. Ever. Overall, he's the Syrup to Keith's Eggo Waffles. I really didn't think it was possible to have this many Frenchie defenseman on one team, I thought there were only like 5 in the world at any given time. Great season bud. Fun Fact: Speaks better English than Slim (I think) Award: Gordon Freeman Award G: @l Scopes x l20l Once upon a time there was a goalie who had such great vision and movement speed, he could get double screened and still save the puck... scopes is not that goalie. However, for what he lacks in talent and good looks, he makes up for in laughs and insults. I've never met a goalie that has claimed he couldn't make a game and then show up as much as this guy. By far the best goalie in the league, good luck to you next season in the NHL Scoop. ALL ABOARD THE SCOOP TRAIN CHOO CHOO Prediction: Stops crying wolf, misses half of his scheduled games next season Award: LGAHL Vezina Cootz Line LW: @Lamb x l37l "JESUS LAMB PASS THE PUCK. YOU'RE THE WORST PLAYER ON THIS TEAM. GIVE IT TO THE COOTZ BABY. WHERE'S THE LAMB SAUCE?" You dealt with so much abuse from Cootz baby Lamb, I had to call the ASPCA to get him off your back for 5 minutes. Very underrated season by you buddy, Cootzie wouldn't have done half as well this season without you. If he didn't yell at you, he would've taken it out on poor doody. :/ thanks buddy Prediction: Falls into severe depression without Cootz Award: Sacrificial Lamb Award C: @l Cootz l 14 l 5.5 Mil per season for THIS?!?! Who in their right mind let him get a contract this low? One of the best offensive centers I've ever seen in this game. Don't believe me? Go watch a replay of Game 1 in the Finals. Watch how he methodically takes open ice and... doesn't pass the puck? Uh just shoot it Cootz. No stop dangling! Just throw a turd on! COME ON COOTZ! DO SOMETHING USEFUL. DON'T BLAME LAMB! Fun Fact: Friends call him "George of the Jungle" Award: Samuel L Jackson Vocal Trophy RW: @Doody12 Poor doody went approximately half the season without a win. Now, that's not on his shoulders, but on the state of the team as a whole and how badly we played to start. The unlucky Doo-Doo was constantly shifting lines until he was slated to play with Lamb and Cootz, where he would stay for the rest of the season. A very talented RW, he would be a valuable commodity to any team, and shows some great goal scoring capabilities when given the puck. Fun Fact: No one knows his real name. No one. Award: Best Poop Gamertag LD: @Rico Suave FLS Rico was the heart and soul of this team. I've never encountered someone so incredibly positive before. Regardless of whether we were down 3 in the first period of Game 7 against Milwaukee, or down 4 in game 2 against Rochester, he was always there in the team chat to let us know we were good enough to come back. And he was right. Julian would take the blame for bad play regardless of whether it was his fault, or even if we actually won the game. Every team needs a player and a friend like him. Great season buddy. Prediction: Gets HIV test... only thing in his life to ever be negative Award: Team MVP RD: @Theee DANIMAL When first acquired by Stockton, we all had our doubts about you. Thoughts bounced off the locker room walls like "is he any good", "why did he use three e's in his name", and "what the hell is a Danimal"? After watching you go undefeated in the regular season, and seeing you in the playoffs... no one is quite sure of those questions still. Great job at being the dog to Rico's peanut butter. Keep up the grade A chatbox chirps G: @Duguay x 31 Binghamton was silly to waive you. I played with you S24 and was shocked to learn you had been cut. Looking at your stats, I figured the Senators defense must've been in shambles. That wasn't the duguay I knew to let in all those beach balls! Lo and behold, we put a defense in front of you, and you stopped at least 50% more beach balls. Your play in Game 1 of the Calder Cup Finals was astounding to say the least. Fun Fact: Will always ask you to play 6s. Even when you tell him no. Award: Waiver Wire POTY Now, I saved the best for last. My line. The guys that I played with every game all year. In my opinion, easily the best line in all of the LGAHL. Every game was a blast with the 4 of you. Now introducing... The Misfits LW: @CSilveri As much hate as Sakball gets in this league, I think Silver gets more. Constantly being told that he is carried by his team every game, but that is far from the truth. He's carried by his team every OTHER game. One of the best forecheckers in the league along with Nelson (we'll get to you later) he made opposing team's breakouts a nightmare. And that clapbomb? Lethal, when he could actually keep the puck inside the arena. Fun Fact: Is friends with literally everyone, anywhere, any time. Award: Csilveri Friendship Trophy C: @McFLEURY x 21 Two words. Absolute f***ing beast. I understand that's three words, but it makes about as much sense as McF's puck skills. As good defensively as Sakic is, and as Cootz is offensively, Mcfleury is the best of both words. Take the two of them, put them in a blender, add a pinch of salt, and a dash of QC and you get Mcfleury. Go play in the NHL, and stop destroying these poor AHL defenses. RW: @NE1SON 26 I played with this RW on the season 23 Phantoms (with sakball) so I knew what to expect of him this season. Mr Mandela is the GOAT of cutting to the slot. Defenses know it's coming, they still can't stop it. Of course, he was complete butt in the first 2 weeks of S25, but like everyone else he reached a level of play unlike anything seen before. The best forechecking forward in the league, and it's not even close. Nelson picked off more passes in the offensive zone than some teams could all season. And his clapbomb off the offensive draws? Unstoppable. Love you buddy. Fun Fact: Loves having his tummy rubbed. Also, ended Apartheid in South Africa. Award: Nobel Peace Prize RD: @JaguarJeff13 If you don't believe that Jeff is a valuable commodity to this line/team, I implore you to look at his advanced metrics. Before his acquisition the Heat were ranked last in BJPG (blowjobs per game). After his trade? We skyrocketed to first with 5 BJPG. While his numbers dwindled to 3.8 in the playoffs, it was still more than enough to propel us to Cup Glory. His thumbs aren't bad either... his girlfriend will agree. Fun Fact: Eats Ass Award: Ron Jeremy Spiritual Award LD: @Johnny Fivehole I won't toot my own horn here, because I already do that enough. I had a pretty solid season, and I'll let my teammates verify. However, I will use this to thank everyone on my team for their support this season. I received tons of support from you all when I told you of a close family member trying Stage 4 brain cancer. All the kik messages, wins, and terrible photoshops I made, helped keep everything light, and distracted me from a shitty situation. You're the best group of online Xbox friends a guy could ask for, and I'm gonna miss all of you equally. Prediction: Moves on to LGNHL?? Award: Photoshop God Honorable Mentions: Owner: @Gulash l4l This team would be nothing without you. As much of a hard time as we give you, we all appreciate the moves you made to give us the best team possible. You deserve this cup as much as any player here. Previous Players and TC: Your names are as deserving of being on this trophy as anyone else's. Regardless of whether you played 100 games, or 1. Thank you all. Opposing Teams: There are no doubts that many of you worked as hard, if not harder than us this season. Keep in mind that chemistry is just as valuable as talent. The Heat are proof of that. Ontario - Great series Texas - Great series Milwaukee - Thanks for scaring the shit out of us and making us throw 100% of our effort into a game 7. As deserving of a team as any for this cup, and would have won it if you made the finals. @Martin McFlyyy @Dunks Rochester - Fantastic overall season to get where you did. Bake is going to get a ton of chirps for the series but it was well played overall. A lot closer than the scores indicated. Good luck to everyone next season. Fivehole, signing off. P.s. Get Gud @Tomidius
Good write up Johnny! It was fun to read! Nice job! Just one thing.. Lebel, this guy is actually bad but you had to find something good to say about him like I did. Get carried Lebel. Bye!
Well well well. Johnny love u bud.. Im gonna send you some hair, so you dont forget me PS : Thx for the good words! keep it up and good luck next season!
Nice write up johnny but @l Cootz l 14 l is the man offensively and @l Sackagawea l is the man defensively, Im like the little french scrub stuck between two studs.
Great post. Any smart nhl owner will pick you up just to make forum posts. But you are a solid dman. Lol at putting in a peanut butter joke
LW: @CSilveri As much hate as Sakball gets in this league, I think Silver gets more. Constantly being told that he is carried by his team every game, but that is far from the truth. He's carried by his team every OTHER game. One of the best forecheckersin the league along with Nelson (we'll get to you later) he made opposing team's breakouts a nightmare. And that clapbomb? Lethal, when he could actually keep the puck inside the arena. Fun Fact: Is friends with literally everyone,anywhere, any time. Award: Csilveri Friendship trophy
Bump. Let’s hit the virtual ice soon, miss this @CSilveri @Johnny Fivehole @Rico Suave TOS @NE1SON 26.
