Life in the Cage: Don't be Tender (Week 7)

*** This is for entertainment purposes only. Do your best to be a big boy/girl and keep your tender bits salt free. I really don't care if you think this is crap I enjoy it and so do the vast majority of my readers. ***

Welcome back to Life in the Cage LG's only "must read media". Every single week this season I have written for you the tales of the AHL's goalies. I have brought you the good the bad and the always controversial Cockhammer's of the AHL. I have poured through sacks of hate mail, stomped out flaming bags of doggy doo-doo left on my door step and entered the witness protection program due to numerous death threats. I continue to move forward for you the AHL reader because frankly I love you. If you stamp that letter. If you ignite the bag. If you are willing to do life with a large black man named "Bubba" that will undoubtedly sodomize you.... You obviously care.


STUDS:

Back to back weeks with crazy good statistics. You guys are Muy Caliente!

Right out the gate let me hit you with a name. That name is @xBroNz3x from the Texas Stars. What a great fuckin' week you had. I'm not afraid to say I'm a bit jelly of your stats. You put on an absolute clinic through the Western Pacific division. Going 5-0 on the week is already a pretty good week. Add to that a shutout.... and I guess you can say business is picking up! Bronze was flat out golden this week turning aside 87.1% of shots directed his way and crushing a 1.56 GAA.

How do you follow that up? Well you really don't no one was that good. Seems like a good time to talk about @Tatar l21l. Tatar, Tatters, Ta-ta's (whatever) of the Hartford Wolfpac has been pushing for yet another "TAG TEAM" write up for himself and @Im_Faces in what is obviously a very thinly veiled attempt at covering up the goalie controversy in CT. I'm not falling for it Ta-ta's. Going 4-1 on the week while traveling the roads of the east he put together a solid week. IN what is obviously a bounce back week he compiled a 2.11 GAA and 86.8 sv%. Hey thanks for getting us to the second round of FNP buddy. I really enjoyed playing...... NOT!

Finally we have something nice to say about @l Thomps l. Thomps decided that as there is nothing to do in Iowa he was going to just lay a stomping on opposing forwards to entertain himself. Manitoba? Beat em'. Milwaukee? Duh... beat em'. Charlotte? Shut down and shut out! Cleveland? Make that 4-0 on the week. Thomper the stomper was wearing a romper and saved 87.8% of the shots he faced in week 7. Add that all up and you get a 1.25 GAA. Noice!!!


Notable mentions: @joek5 @Nightmare xX @B4NKS @Darcy Kuemper @l Rockystar l @IVIDewMan

DUDS:

Guess who's back.
Back again.
@tristn 's back.
Tell a friend!
Guess who's back. Guess who's back. Guess who's back.
Guess who's back. Guess who's back. Guess who's back.

Tristin are you starved for attention? Are you some kind of sadist? Quit making me write about you. The Manitoba goalie (I use that term loosely) went 0-4 this week and "popped a squat' all over his stats. 69.1 sv% and 5.27 GAA I ain't saying more.


Also in the this is "getting painful to write about" category is @AirB0rneFaTheR . Do you read this? I vouched for you as a viable option in St John's weeks ago. Since then you have be very consistent at being inconsistent. I'm starting to see our relationship as a father/son type of deal with me of course being the father. Now let me say that I'm not mad..... I'm just disappointed. I will say your team allows a fuck load of shots against I know how that feels being top 3 in shots against the last 3 seasons. A week 7 record of 2-2-1 66.7 sv% 4.64 GAA.

Is this right? Like for real are the kids in the research department fucking with me? What the fuck are you doing over here @ll 7th ll? You are aware that you play for the AHL leading Rockford Ice Hogs correct? They could put a large cardboard box in between the pipes and pull out victories. Have you developed a crippling fear of Canadian rubber discs? Has @Im4thLineWorthy asked you to "slow it down a little" so other teams don't feel like they are being left behind? I have so many questions but there is no question you sucked this week! 2-1-1 65.3 sv% and a 4.14 GAA. Your lucky your not getting the hammer.


TAG TEAM:

This week we feature one of the few teams that Ilya Bryzgalov fears. The padded pair from Hershey make the cut this week. Both @A Slanted Neck and @EgoKiller43 had completely predatory weeks. If you crossed paths with Hershey you were most likely devoured.


Ego took the majority of the games picking up a record that looks like a countdown 3-2-1. That was the countdown to an explosive week that was capped off with an 8 save shutout vs the lowly Sound Tigers. Now truthfully thats not too outstanding but 84.7 sv% and a 1.92 GAA is hard to argue with.

Slanted was the man in the back up role again this week going 3-0 beating Albany, Binghamton and shutting out Lehigh Valley. This was a big rebound week as slanted's stats last week were sub par. There is nothing sub par about 87.5 sv% and a 0.89 GAA!


COCKHAMMER:

Fresh meat to hammer this week. No one wants to find themselves in this part of the article but I do enjoy someone new stepping up to have their pecker pressed. This week we deliver a cock hammering to @SQUADCAV16 of the Bakersfield Condors. This condor looked less like a scavenger and more like the road kill he regularly feasts upon. He picked a bad time to have a bad week losing important divisional games in a tight playoff race. Yes at 54 points the Condors are very much still alive because the Western Pacific is weak as fuck. HAMMER!! Eat it all you shit ass teams. Back to SQUADCAV16. Squad went 2-4 pulling together a 5.03 GAA and 65.9 sv% after what seemed like he was on the rise. Don't let me find you in my sights again.



Until next week.... Be BIG. Be square. Be soft!

NotoriousFAT 00

 

Im bad

 

I believe the term you are searching for is you "sucked" this week.

 

@NotoriousFAT 00 thanks for the mention! Also I carried lol our team didn't have a shot until the 3rd period! We had 2 goals on 4 shots I was like damn it I should have let him play biggest waste of time ever!

 

That was my first time signing up for FNP. I'm usually with family at that time but they were away. So thanks for ruining my entire Friday. As I was not playing FNP I had to spend my time playing club with some of the guys from The Stockton Heat. Do you realize how fucking awful that was?

 

@Ranger x 28 @BFerrisTV @PHJ314 #STUDDDDDS

 

Incorrect. This week they were just pretty good.

 

I don't think anybody is wrong here

 

What a nice read goalie. <3

 

@AwarePuppet1 if anyone has something negative to say about this I will send them in the direction of my enforcer.

 

@AwarePuppet1 is quite the tendy himself. Ain't that right soldier

 

Lol wish the goalies in the NHL had this. Always fun reading these.

 

Guys in the NHL are way too busy being salty and flexing their virtual NHL muscles to take time and write a column.