*** This is for entertainment purposes only. Do your best to be a big boy/girl and keep your tender bits salt free. I really don't care if you think this is crap I enjoy it and so do the vast majority of people. ***
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Welcome one and all to the 3rd annual Fatty awards!!! The Fatty awards or FATTIES are given to the best and worst of the AHL. Why? Because it’s fun for me and I once again have no playoffs to worry about. Honestly I didn’t even have an team as I road the tc train this season. The awards have been created, voted on, and written up by myself NotoriousFAT 00.
If by chance you feel like I omitted/targeted you in a callous heartless way you’re probably right! Likely because I just don’t like you but possibly because your an asshole. It’s also conceivable that I just plain forgot to mention you so please calm down. I also reserve the right to award who I want and how I want when it comes to the FATTIES. Your opinion although read will have no value and will not be addressed here. We have tabulated all the results at the “Research Institute of Research” and all the awards have been engraved for the winners. Bring the pain!
The Anthony Kiedis memorial award: I know he's not dead.
Awarded to the player that excels in the art of the Give away.
Sure NHL 18 by Electronic Arts is a fuckin’ broken mess and as a result the stats are equally fucked but why let that stand in the way of us having a good natured laugh at one poor sap.
The player in question here appears to be of the giving persuasion. I have to assume that they are quite enthralled with the thought of buying Christmas gifts, wrapping them with holiday cheer and with great exhilaration promptly giving said gift to another human. How else could one explain the amazing stats of one @SassyTricks72 of the Belleville Senators?
Sassy has turned the give away into an art form all it’s own managing to dish the puck to the opposition an astonishing 475 times in just 28 games! Wow what a philanthropist! For those of you keeping score at home or are now trying to dig your smart phone out of the front pocket of your slim fit Levi’s that is an average of 16.9 per game. Now I could be way off base but with the tire fire that was Belleville this season could that team even have had 16.9 possessions per game? Cause you guys were fuckin’ awful. By my calculations the statisticians were counting the loose pucks that slid across center ice during warm ups before each game to boost possession numbers. Sassy earned himself a FATTIE don’t go giving it away now. Sassy enjoy this song with my sincere gratitude.
Speaking of EA…….
The Cock Hammer!
Disclaimer: These are my views and do not reflect LG’s opinions.
Gawdam! EA you done fucked up this time! How can you do this to people? We must be the most incredibly understanding and forgiving group of motherfuckers on god’s green earth. How else can you explain that we continue to buy a game that feels unfinished, unloved and now unwanted just like @Sergachev x31?
I think the numbers show a steady decline in overall game sales but a huge increase in overall revenue. That’s fucked up. It’s fucked up because the game isn’t a “game” anymore. This is really nothing more than a micro transaction machine disguised as a hockey game. The introduction of HUT was in my opinion maybe one of the single worst things to ever happen to this franchise other than EA owning all the NHL rights and Sean Ramjagsingh. The combination of the three is apocalyptic. Truthfully I will likely never quit buying the game as I have been hopelessly addicted to hockey and hockey related video games since I was a kid and as there is no other viable choice. I’m completely mired with this load of Cockhammerey (Ya it’s a word) every year.
The part that really chaps my ass is the “gambling” aspect of HUT and what that does to kids too young to know the difference. I can look past the “seamless puck pick up fuck up”, “goalie glitches” and numerous other problems not worth writing here. But kids have no idea they are being lured into the gambling aspect of the game. The earth shattering highs of getting the newest greatest card (Oh look Sidney Crosby has facial hair!) from a deck and the gut wrenching lows of a disappointing pack. Kids don’t need to feel that. Kids don’t need to be fiending for their next fix waiting for when mom and dad ok them to spend a couple more dollars on another chance at happiness.
This is supposed to be a hockey game….. Act like your making one and not the newest www.pokerstars.net . BAM! Your cock is smashed you dickless assholes.
PS: Fuck you EA. Shove this FATTIE up your ass in an attempt to slow the hot murky flow that is the EA NHL division.
On the topic of shit that makes my blood boil……
You Violated my CoC!
The bad boys of LG (emphasis on boys)
First and foremost what the fuck is wrong with the youth of today? At the risk of sounding like a crusty old curmudgeon I ask the question. If you want to be a part of LG you need to follow the rules. Not just say “Ya I got it” click on the agree box and then do whatever the fuck you want anyhow. Making a commitment and following through with it has seemingly become an endangered species. Season 29 to me has become the season of the CoC and really why not? CoC’s are fun right @LukeForceWalker? But you have to treat the CoC with respect. You must hold the CoC in an esteemed position. Hell sometimes you gotta give the CoC a little kiss just so it knows you appreciate it.
So many guys wound up in the LG graveyard this season which was highlighted by a great video by our own CaCa lover Tino. Some quit, Others were forced out like a painful anus stretching bowel movement. Splitting the FATTIE 3 ways should provide these guys with something to do in their down time. We recognize the top 3 CoC violators:
@Sergachev x31
@xxpeteymacxx
@Malchesky
Did someone mention the CoC?........
Catching up with catchy catch phrases:
So season 29 was truly the season of catchphrases. It began with the Oooo that rash looks bad “m8lad” and “I didn’t ask” from the Barracuda in season 28 that has now spawned the veritable ebola outbreak of catchy little lines that have infested our insides like an earwig. Some so raucous and offensive in fact that the league has shut down their use. (Rightfully so)
BOG’s are patrolling the murky depths of the chatbox to snare the offenders and relocate them to the much safer habitat known as either timeout town or ban city. So who is to blame for this mass influx of phrases that have made their way into the daily lexicon of the average LG user? Well if I have my druthers I suspect it is none other that the IP man himself, the head of media and lead spin master of LG @Brisan66. I conducted a brief one on one interview with our head of media to get to the bottom of the matter.
Notorious: So, Mr Brisan can you confirm or deny the rumor currently circulating in regards to your involvement behind the catchphrases “YAGMI”, The Tino backed “CoC” and Stockton’s “555”?
Brisan66: I don’t recall asking.
Notorious: Hmmmm, Very shrewd sir.
Brisan66: Are we done here? I have fathers to kiss.
Notorious: Your free to go sir. But please take your FATTIE with you when you leave.
In regards to men with a fuzzy upper lips…….
Do you kiss your father with that mouth?
(As voted by random members of the community)
Kissing your father seems like it would be a sure fire way to get yourself some looks in public. (I’m looking at you Tom Brady) But truthfully it was acceptable when you were running around eating dirt and finding different ways to rub your dick on objects that made you “feel funny” so why stop now? Some of you have taken that as a legitimate challenge. After all things are probably not that much different nowadays with the kind of dumpster like mouthed females you run with. Not to mention we all saw what you did to the arm of the couch in the LG offices.
So who could be the guy who seemingly cares so little for his public image that he would openly and aggressively lock lips with the breadwinner of the household? Well there are many. Some enjoy a quick peck while others like to sink in and drive the tongue home on papa like a french whore. Here’s our top Dad kissers for season 29:
@cadillac eldo
@sergachev x31
@Saucin Pucks
Much like the hot and sweaty threeway session I had with your mom’s and sister’s I invite you guys to get to know each other a bit better and swap the saliva while holding this awesome FATTIE. Remember be safe when engaging in sexual activity with any member of LG or their family. I have taken the liberty of covering the FATTIE with a Magnum. Side note it’s ribbed for your pleasure.
Wearing a rubber is important. Especially if you are a……
Times Square hooker
Please indulge me while I write a quick note to my padded friends before we proceed.
Where’s my goalies at? Finally the FATTIES return to where they began. Goalies are the weirdest, most unbalanced and most likely chronically depressed member of any team in LG. Although I have shelved my pads for the time being and moved to the blue line I still like to spotlight the real hero of any team. So even though I’m not writing a weekly article about goalies any longer I want you all to know that I’m still here for you….and this just in. No one likes you! Your strange and you should know that you didn’t choose the net we forced you in there because you scare children with that festering pot of boils you call a face. So do us a favor keep the helmet on at all times.
Usually when I award the prestigious FATTIE awards I feel the recipient has an idea that it may be on its way. After all awards can be a bit predictable but I thought about this one long and hard. I really spent the time pouring over the numbers bathing myself in the waves of numbers that continued to crash down around me until it hit me….. Not a single person in LG takes this shit seriously. So after what felt like minutes but was more likely 25-30 seconds I pointed at the screen and selected out next winner. @AG Tomza you sir saw a fuck ton of vulcanized dics this season. Now albeit you did not have the highest amount of shots against you by my math you did have the highest number per game. 698 black biscuits in just 43 games equals a 16.23 per game average on a team that finished dead last in the AHL. I feel I’ve said this before in past seasons but for the players of Colorado you need to go and hang your head in shame. Are you playing with the tv off again? Did you give up and sub in your cat Peaches for your games? You fucked poor Tomza over big time. Your punishment should be to play a season of LG as a goalie so you can fully understand and accept Tomza’s pain. Tommy boy (That’s what I call Tomza now) I have prepared and entombed your FATTIE with a healthy supply of bubble wrap so that your tiny little statuette never has to feel the pain you endured this season.
Since we’re talking about things people need to endure……
Outstanding Achievement in media
I know I’m a bit biased and this may get a bit mushy but all the guys that contribute to media here at LG deserve a pat on the back for the contributions they make. We pour hours into shows, articles and the year end awards for the players but here at the FATTIES we feel the media guys need a set of awards too. I wasn’t prepared to do that much work cause fuck those guys! But here’s a few awards and a few insults for your LG media team.
Overdrive guys:
@Kingsmen l42l change the name back to Buck. Number one no one is ever gonna call you Kingsman. Number two you hardly look like a British super agent. @DudleyDoWright5 We all know your a Letterman fanboy but ripping him off weekly is sacrilege! Let’s switch it up and create a top 5 list you know to be different and….. Quicker. @UT75035 Fact. I was the goalie guy before you. Fact number two. I have yet to receive any of my residual cheques. Fact three. My lawyers will be in touch. @l Mackie l Are you a media guy still? I guess you wrote an article and ruffled some feathers. Your in. @l Ristolainen l Just barely clinging to a media position just like your roster spot. At least you look decent in that Whalers jersey.
Rink Talk guys:
@Dunktator My fellow meaty media guy and giggle machine. Sure your dog Cassie is not nearly as cute as my boy Ernie but I figure that is just a reflection of the owner. You see I’m better looking that you. @DwnSyndromeDAV3 before I joined you guys I don’t think I appreciated your humor. Now that I’ve been around you I’m sure of it. @l Dangs l Look now I have two trophies to send you! @Garis93 Sorry I can’t write anything ATM I have homework.
@DarcyKuemper What a debut into media! Strong articles that not only seem like you wrote them sober but they look amazing also. Rookie of the year?
@TIN045 The graphics guy and CaCa distributor. Thanks for being what I wish I could be in media with hilarious videos and edgy humor. Can’t wait for season 30 so I can roll out Exposed! And show off your contributions to my show.
@Brisan66 The head of AHL media and as I view him a great guy. You have done great things here in the AHL since taking over as the head of media and those contributions should not go unrecognized. Also I feel so much safer now you provided me all the players IP address’ to use just in case I need them. Just kidding I only have a few.
If I missed anyone else it’s because you quite honestly mean very little to me. Good job not making any sort of impression on myself this season. Actually I’m just kidding It’s not you it’s me.
Season 29 was not my most productive as a media member but as long as I’m still alive or more specifically in the AHL I will continue to contribute here to hopefully entertain the drooling masses of LG. You people are truly all a troglodyte treat. If by chance I really did hurt your feelings while you read my musings today please contact me directly with a PM. Do not contact the BOG’s to complain and try and get my address so you can hunt me down like a dirty old dog in the street. It’s bad enough @PivotGivinner knows where I live I don’t need any of you sex offenders showing up at my door with your tiny pecker hanging out. I got kids!
Be good to each other.
NotoriousFAT 00
Season 29 FATTY awards 1.0
FATTIES
