Life in the Cage: Ch..ch..ch..changes (Week 3)

Hello friends welcome back for our third installment of Life in the Cage. You all seem to still be enjoying this so I guess I'm gonna keep making uneducated and irrelevant comments on the musing of the goalies in the AHL. This week will be pretty close to the status quo with just one real strange addition. Something so strange that many people in the AHL have never heard of or seen before. There appears to be a new team that has emerged and they are not in Las Vegas they are from Cleveland and one of their players is making some noise. Well truthfully ALL their players are making noise but that's a topic for a different article. So lets strap on the gear and cover that beautiful face of yours with a cage and lets dive right in.

Lets get right to the fun part the DUDS. a.k.a. Notorious goes all "Prison rape" on a couple guys.

DUDS:

We start week 3 with a particularly offensive player on a team that took a giant header into the depths of the Western Pacific. The Ontario Reign and more specifically @conV Tipsy had an abortion like week giving up copious amounts of goals and points in the standings. conV Tipsy went down with a miserable 1-3 record and registering a testicle squeezing 6.01 GAA to go along with a 67.6 sv%. Now from the interesting file how in the sweet fuck does a guy get promoted to the NHL with that kind of week? Something tells me con should be grateful for this as he no longer has to face the scorn of Notorious or the foul stench that Ontario is producing at this time.

Sliding on through the drive thru window of LG we find lasts years Calder cup champions Syracuse Crunch and @GotATHaNASIOU. What kind of fucking name is that? Seriously can someone even pronounce that? It's just a conglomeration of letters! Tell you what after I'm done here I'm going to pass the hat around and get you 800 microsoft points so you can at least change your name to "RedLight" of "Seive" so your more easily identifiable. GotATHaNASIOU had just two incredibly poor starts this week as it appears he took mercy on Syracuse. Going 1-1 seems like it might be ok but then you read the stat line and it all falls apart. Chewing down into a shit sandwich we find an awe inspiring 6.51 GAA and the side dish of a 55.2 sv% makes any meal a little tough to digest. Pass the Tums.

Finally and thank baby jesus for that, We have @joek5 from the always "stacked" Bridgeport Sound Tigers. This season has seen the kitties look more like paper tigers and the only real sound you hear is the chortle of laughter from the opposing teams. Joek5 who's name looks a little like "jokes" had a sphincter clenching week of 0-4 and has now lost 8 straight!!! Wowzers. Jokes had us all rolling in the aisles dropping the punchline of stats that looked something like this. 64.9 sv% against a 4.63 GAA..... Hahaha good one jokes! Oh that wasn't a joke? Ewww.



STUDS:

Turning our attention to the beautiful people of the AHL we get our first look at Albany's little sexy bitch in @adidaht88. adidaht88 had a pretty nice week going 3-2-1 with just the one loss to the Marlies looking a little off. Over all though adidaht88 put together a solid week rollin' in with a 2.74 GAA and a meh 79.1. Not exactly the numbers of a total "smoke show" but I felt this little "puck bunny" deserved a little positive rub from Notorious. Now don't go all @joek5 on me next week and make me look bad for sticking my neck out here buddy.

From the UNICORN department we have @l Rockystar l of the Cleveland Monsters! Yes the Cleveland Monsters are a real team with actual members even if they have not received a lot of attention this season. Rocky punched his way to the top using the 74 stairs of the Philadelphia Museum of art as his triumphant backdrop. Now I know that trying to write a story using boxing analogies for a hockey article is in a word stupid but come on his name is Rocky! Rocky "beat the meat" and came out with a week 3 with merely a scratch and a pristine 3-0 record! After recording his 3rd shutty of the season and knocking out the competition with a 1.21 GAA and a 90.5 sv%. ADRIAN!!!


#3 on the list but #1 in the hearts of the Manitoba Moose is @Vhipers. Spell check guys just use it there is no silent "H". The snake man slithered his way all the way to the NHL this week joining the powerful Jets but not before shedding his skin here in the AHL. The serpent slithered through his week striking at all that stood in his way and despite putting up a record of just 1-2-1 his stat line was still quite nice. He took on the big boys of the Central division in Rockford, Cleveland, Chicago and the Wild and still managed to devour a 82.4 sv% and respectable 2.95 GAA. HISSSSSSSSSS!!!


TC HEROES:

Couple of guys coming up big for their clubs this week. From Providence @KiLLerSHoT6784 and deep in the south of Texas @wooley11 of he Stars.

KiLLerSHoT6784 stepped up for Providence 3 times going 2-0-1 sporting a 2.32 GAA and 84.6 sv% as an ECU. KiLLer was clutch and seems like the likely heir apparent for @tristn. MOre on that later.

@wooley11 has seemingly earned himself a spot on the permanent roster with Texas after a perfect 3-0 week 3. Texas appears to be on the rise after wooley came through with a 2.33 GAA and 84.8 sv%.

Well done fellas. May this be a lesson to all the other TC guys currently sitting and waiting for a shot. When you get the call answer the phone.


TAG TEAMS:

This week we visit the Eastern North division and check in with Binghamton's dynamic duo. I have written about @Darcy Kuemper before in the inaugural issue of Life in the Cage but this is my first chance to give a little love to my former Pro Series teammate @bl1zz72. Blizz had a 2-1 week in the backup role for Binghamton and his stats were not nearly a sweet as in week 2 but not too shabby still. At the moment the Thursday game has stat errors so I'm unable to give full week 3 definitive stats. As for Mr Kuemper the still remarkably sober captain continues to roll with a stellar 5-0-1 record this week. Stacking up the wins and building a tidy 14-2-1 season to this point. Week 3 saw Darcy pull down a 2.34 GAA and surprising if not a little disappointing 78.6 sv%. This tandem is clicking at the moment and appears to be playing nice and sharing the crease well. Lets catch up with these guys again in a couple of weeks and see how things have progressed. Now a message from "the" Tag Team.


COCKHAMMER:

Well do we have a treat this week. I swear to god I can't make this stuff up it simply just lands in my lap. I consider it a gift from the thumbless gods! This week the heavy hammer of LG drops directly on the cock of one @tristn. tristn formerly of Providence and now currently of Manitoba was so eager to have his appendage flattened that he set the world on fire Sunday night. Starting the night off right he stepped in between the pipes for a team deflating 5-4 loss to the ass crack of the AHL Syracuse Crunch. Not content with losing to just bad teams tristn was scheduled to mix it up with the Wilkes Barre Scranton Penguins in the second game of the night. Once there he found himself completely out of his depth and WBS hung a 10 spot on him. One can only assume with those two putrid games in the record books and a ungodly 7.51 GAA Providence decided to cut bait and tossed the slowly decomposing body of tristn overboard waiving him on Tuesday. Here's where it gets fun. I can only assume that what happened next was out of nothing more than pure desperation but after losing the very impressive Vhipers to the NHL Manitoba thought grabbing the anchor known as tristn was a good move. Again I have to assume they were desperate. I say good luck to both tristn and MTB but in honor of the greatest Batman ever Adam West I have no choice but to drop the first ever double headed COCKHAMMER! BOOM! POW! HAMMERED!



Until next week.... Be BIG. Be square. Be soft!

NotoriousFAT 00

 

@adidaht88 "puck bunny" lol

@NotoriousFAT 00 keep this up man. I look forward to this every week. Thanks for givin my boy adidat a shoutout!

 

This is bullshit

 

You do great write ups to bad the show isnt as good as this all you guys seem to do on the show is rub the cock of two diff teams seems to be rockford rochester and clevland.

 

Your just mad your back up goalie @Tatar l21l can't get you on the tag team list.

 

@Tatar l21l get fucked I traded you to @Da Young Buck

 

Guess I'm headed back to Hartford. I'll wear my old Whalers jersey.

 

Nah I'm playing 9 a week so I can get some god damn recognition.

 

NotoriousFAT 00 does not wilt under pressure. NotriousFAT 00 is not a company yes man. NotoriousFAT 00 just don't give a fuck!

 

Hahaha Jesus notorious this is awesome..loving it..great job..thnx for taking the time

 

ask @adidaht88 how he did vs us. whoops

 

It's ok they just can't comprehend our God status

 

Hope to see you thursday if they put me in

 

Damn @P GUIN91 your avatar is almost as ugly as your stats!

 

Who are you again?

 

Oh yeah, you're the guy who got cut season 21 playoffs cause you play like shit and I took your Calder trophy @NotoriousFAT 00

 

SHOTS FIRED....i guess guin cant take a joke....la hoo sa herr