Media Life in the Cage: Season 27 Fatty awards!

*** This is for entertainment purposes only. Do your best to be a big boy/girl and keep your tender bits salt free. I really don't care if you think this is crap I enjoy it and so do the vast majority of my readers. ***


Welcome one and all to the inaugural Fatty awards!!! The Fatty awards or FATTIES are given to the best and worst AHL goalies of LG. Why? Because I want to ass hat that’s why! I’m also just giving out awards on a whim for no particular reason. The awards have been created, voted on, and written up by myself NotoriousFAT 00.


If by chance you feel like I omitted you in a callous heartless way you’re probably right! Likely because I just don’t like you but possibly because your an asshole. It’s also conceivable that I just plain forgot to mention you so please calm down. I also reserve the right to award who I want and how I want when it comes to the FATTIES. Your opinion although read will not be needed, wanted or respected and will not be addressed here. We have tabulated all the results at the “Research Institute of Research” and all the awards have been engraved for the winners. On with the show this is it!!!





Most Absorbent: (AKA paper towel man)


The player that sees the most shots in that current season regardless of how many are stopped. This is more a reflection on how pitiful your defense is and less about how absorbent you are as a goalie.

Nominees: @LAZYKIDSinGA (CHI) @Jabrony Da Noob (CHA) @NotoriousFAT 00 (STK)


Winner: This one was not even close. LAZYKIDSinGA Congrats on being named LG’s premier paper towel. You absorbed messy defence and broken plays. As a guy that has now been top 3 in shots against the last 3 seasons I say thanks for taking this one from me. Lazy saw 895 shots in his 52 games this season. For shame Chicago defenders! Get your shit together. All season long all Lazy wanted was a full write up in the LITC column. Whether it be positive or negative didn’t matter as long as it wasn’t an honourable mention. Well here it is Lazy a positive write up in regards to a negative stat. It’s the best of both worlds! Redemption is thy Fatty.






Swiss Cheese:


Awarded to the AHL goalie that is just a few chromosomes separated from a dairy product. Just a reminder the idea is to stand in front of the shots fired towards you and not avoid them like a matador. Ole’!

Nominees: @LAZYKIDSinGA (CHI) @AirB0urneFaTheR (ST.J) @Nightmare xX (LHV)


Winner: AirB0urneFaTheR. Although he did not finish with the most goals against he was real fuckin’ close letting in 7 less goals and did it in 12 less games than the nearest nominee. To me that qualifies him as the winner. (Also I didn’t want Lazy to win again. Guys an attention whore!) Allowing 192 goals with St John’s this season I feel that a great deal of the blame needs to be dropped on the team as a whole. Father is far better than this and I shit on him way more than I wanted to already this season. This Fatty sponsored by Nolan’s cheddar. Seriously strong! Enjoy your Fatty!





Work Horse:


Awarded to the goalie that accumulated the most on ice time this season. There is something to be said about putting in as much time as a starting goalie does in LG. That something is SAD LOSER. Playing 6 games a week at a position most find terribly frustrating deserves an award. Now get some friends, Go outside, For the love of god quit shitting in a pail next to your chair!

Nominees: @Jabrony Da Noob (CHA) @Darcy Kuemper (BNG) @adidaht88 (ALB)


Winner: Well look who the flabby, pasty white skinned loser is. Playing 54 games in season 27 and racking up 3344:59 minutes of ice time. Jabrony you spent so much time in front of your tv or monitor this season that you have actually burned an image of the NHL 17 ice surface onto your face. You really do need to get off your chair, locate your dick, remove the shrink wrap and find a female that enjoys the greasy, sweaty, pimply type of “man”. That and hey I’m sure your team thanks you for your dedication. Have a Fatty! Both award and woman.






Winner, Winner Chicken dinner:


Awarded to the goalie with the highest win total amongst their peers. Also know as “I could have that many wins too if I played on that team” award.

Nominees: @l Rockystar l (CLE) @Darcy Kuemper (BNG) @ B4NKS (ROC)


Winner: Darcy Kuemper. Darcy put together a 34 win season although he did need 53 games to grab those wins. Had Rocky and B4NKS not been dodging the top teams they probably would have surpassed Darcy in wins. (Just kidding guys. You would have lost those games.) To me this was a real “Bounce back” year for Darcy and it’s truly lucky that Binghamton found Darcy’s application for custodial work and employed him as a goalie anyhow. Much like all the rotund girls Darcy this Fatty is for you!





Most valuable to the team: As nominated by managers:


These guys were nominated by their managers as guys they could not do without. That to me says respect. Managers appreciation spans from being the statistical rock to the guy that never misses games and never complains about being left on an island. Goalies come in all shapes, sizes, skill level and age. But one thing these guys have in common is their managers love them. These Fatties are for hugging.

Winners: @l Thomps l (IOWA) @Belarus64 (SAN) @Sanctifiy (GRG) @CT SWAG2431 (MIL) @joek5 (WBS)






The Savior:


What is a savior? Dictionary.com defines it as: A person who saves someone or something (especially a country or cause) from danger, and who is regarded with the veneration of a religious figure. Someone or something could be a puck. A country or cause could be your team. So if you blend it up and hockeyfy it you get a guy that makes a shit ton of saves for his team! Awarded to highest save %.

Nominees: @Im_Faces (HRT) @l Rockystar l (CLE) @B4NKS (ROC) @Auggy32 (RFD)


Winner: l Rockystar l. Rocky won this one on the last day of the season after a tight battle with Im_Faces. A combination of Rockys great play and Faces shitting the bed on his last night screwed himself out of the award. This award is a real feather in the cap of Rocky as he was a favorite of LITC all season long. But to cap your spectacular season off with a shutout win of the presidents trophy winning Rockford Icehogs shows he’s legit. Enjoy your hair metal Fatty.







Lucky Fuckers:


Awarded to the tandem that should be grateful they play on a great 3 line team. Well protected and insulated these guys see very few shots and the ones they do see are not threatening. Couple of marshmallows here folks.

Nominees: @B4NKS @Ballzy06 (ROC) @ll 7th ll @Auggy32 (RFD) @l Rockystar l @BS PAINTRAIN 19 (CLE) @Ranger x 28 @PHJ314 (TUC)


Winner: Rockford IceHogs tandem of @Auggy32 and @ll 7th ll won the lottery landing where they did (7th through a signing and Auggy via trade). @Im4thLineWorthy continues to put together great teams and has a solid eye for talent. These might be the only 2 fuckers that actually had a summer break during the summer season. The team itself allowed very few shots all season and had an amazing PK% of 83.7. I like you guys but can I just say “eat a dick” I’m incredibly jealous. Double Fatty!





Amy Winehouse Award:


They tried to make me go to rehab.

I said, no, no, no.

Yes, I been black.

But when I come back, you'll know, know, know.


Well we certainly know he’s back and there are no need for nominations here. @Darcy Kuemper got himself together this offseason like Scott Darling and has risen from the ashes like a phoenix! It probably really does help that he’s playing in a place like BInghamton as that place fuckin’ blows. No disrespect to the guys that play there but that city is ass. Darcy had a real good season on a team that is better than decent. Now we just have to keep Darcy off the sauce! No Darcy the Fatty is not filled with alcohol.






TagTeam:


That’s right the Tag team category is back in Fatty form! Most teams have a starter and a back up. Some teams are fortunate enough to have 2 guys that could carry the load. Some like Syracuse, Bridgeport and San Jose decided to play without a goalie at all. I’m awarding this to the two guys that impressed me the most with their ability to share the net and both have great stats.

Nominees: @Im_Faces @Tatar l21l (HRT) @Ranger x 28 @PHJ314 (TUC) @B4NKS @Ballzy06 (ROC) @ll 7th ll @Auggy32 (RFD) @l Rockystar l @BS PAINTRAIN 19 (CLE)


Winners: The winner is Hartford!!! What? They are still arguing about who the starter is and who will accept the award….. The winner is Tucson! Congratulations to Ranger and PHJ on having great seasons and playing nice together. Good luck in the playoffs guys represent the Western Pacific well. Fatty is currently being cut in half with a waterjet delivery to follow.






The Floater Award: AKA the Golden Turd Award


Ever had a floater after a great bowel movement? You know. That stubborn nugget that refuses to find it’s true home and just continues to make clockwise circles in the bowl. Well the AHL had a few floaters this season. Now I’m quite sure these guys are real swell and possibly on a different team or in a different situation can be very productive goalies in LG. Or perhaps stats don’t lie and these guys a two flush worthy. You be the judge. Minimum 20 games required to qualify.

Nominees: @ProphetsOfRage (ST.J) @Ratty68 (CHA) @AirB0urneFaTheR (ST.J)


Winner: Ratty is your winner! But can you really feel like a winner after being compared to feces? Either way. Congrats Ratty may you swirl around for another season. You really wiped the competition leaving a spot free sphincter. As much as you may want to your Fatty much like a tampon is not suitable for flushing.





Mount Rushmore of G’s:


When you think of Mount Rushmore you automatically begin to conjure images in your head of the forefathers of America. Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt and Lincoln the building blocks of a country. In LG you build a team on a solid foundation namely your goaltender. Well here at the FATTIES when I think of Mount Rushmore I think of aloof white dudes with a serious delusions of grandeur. Just like these 4 guys. One Fatty awarded you must share it.


Winners: @B4NKS (ROC) @l Rockystar l (CLE) @Sanctifiy (GRG) @Auggy32 (RFD)





Thank you for reading and hopefully enjoying the inaugural Fatty awards. If you won a Fatty you will be contacted in the coming weeks so that I can get your address, SSN/SIN number and any other pertinent credit card numbers required so I can forward you your statuette. If you were omitted you’re either real upset or happy right now. Either way you’re welcome.


This will likely be the end of my contributions towards the gravy train for the AHL goalies this season. I want to thank all my fellow goalies for not getting too tender over the Fatty awards or Life in the Cage articles and understanding that this was all meant in good fun. Sure some of you got roasted pretty good but hey that’s because you blow! Writing these articles was a labor of love for me and was a great way for me to get the creative juices flowing. To all the players of LG I thank you for being my audience.


Until next season.... Be BIG. Be square. Be soft!


NotoriousFAT 00

 

Congrats @ll 7th ll @Auggy32 !!!!

 

Awesome writeup @NotoriousFAT 00 thanks for all the nominations and the big banks bust on Mount Rushmore! Gratz to all the other guys nominated as well!

 

Also @NotoriousFAT 00 since my name was first does that mean I'm GEORGE WASHINGTON?!?!?!?!?!?

 

You guys can fight over the placement and trophy on your own time.

 

This is awesome. Need 1 for dmen and fwds too

 

Yeah right Swiss cheese goes to @Nightmare xX

 

Great fucking job all season long ! It was entertaining to read you every week. Now do the dmen lol

 

Sorry Kebrik, I'm a goalie guy.

 

Always snubbed...

 

You should try goalie.

 

@Sanctifiy

 

A dislike @Auggy32 ? WTF!

 

Haha. Great write up man. Hope to see you back doing this next season.

 

Where is he Hershey goalies best tag team!

 

A little of what you can expect this weekend as the season comes to an end. Season 28 FATTIES are gonna be lit!!!

 

LETS GOOOOOOO

 

@LAZYKIDZinGA Time to pass on the paper towel.

 

Tb @PHJ314