Media Life in the Cage: Season 28 FATTY Awards!

Discussion in 'Leaguegaming American Hockey League (LGAHL)' started by NotoriousFAT 00, Dec 15, 2017.

  1. NotoriousFAT 00

    NotoriousFAT 00 Former LG media kingpin, Wine gum lover, LG dad.

    Joined:
    Apr 25, 2015
    Messages:
    1,524
    Discord:
    NotoriousFAT 00#5853
    Trophy Points:
    4,801
    Location:
    Winnipeg MB
    Ratings:
    +3,744 / 76 / -124
    *** This is for entertainment purposes only. Do your best to be a big boy/girl and keep your tender bits salt free. I really don't care if you think this is crap I enjoy it and so do the vast majority of people. ***


    Welcome one and all to the 2nd annual Fatty awards!!! The Fatty awards or FATTIES are given to the best and worst AHL goalies of LG. Why? Because it’s fun for me and I once again have no playoffs to worry about. The awards have been created, voted on, and written up by myself NotoriousFAT 00.


    If by chance you feel like I omitted/targeted you in a callous heartless way you’re probably right! Likely because I just don’t like you but possibly because your an asshole. It’s also conceivable that I just plain forgot to mention you so please calm down. I also reserve the right to award who I want and how I want when it comes to the FATTIES. Your opinion although read will have equal value to my record this season in Tucson (minimal) and will not be addressed here. We have tabulated all the results at the “Research Institute of Research” and all the awards have been engraved for the winners. Bring the pain!






    The weekly DUD winners:


    Please find here our weekly DUD winners. All of these names were already exposed on the Overdrive show that we tape weekly. These guys although loveable are also losers. First couple of weeks are absent because I was not actively “Mediaing” (Ya it’s a word) yet, also fuck you for judging me. Paper bags for all!


    Week 3: @VeNOM2099 1-2-1 68.8% 4.99 GAA

    Week 4: @FYSTYSNAKE 1-4-1 59.7% 4.60 GAA

    Week 5: @lVlDewMan 0-3-0 56.4% 8.50 GAA

    Week 6: @adidaht88 1-3-1 66.2% 4.16 GAA

    Week 7: @CAPTAIN TURTL31 0-4-0 68.8% 5.00 GAA

    Week 8: @Da Young Buck 0-6-0 64.9% 4.28 GAA

    Week 9: @NotoriousFAT 00 0-5-0 64.3% 7.00 GAA

    dud.jpg



    Mr Bounty: The quicker picker upper.


    The paper towel man of season 28 had to be 2 ply and display great quilted pockets to absorb all the rubber flung his direction this season. That was not a homosexual joke. But LAZYKIDZinGA is a homosexual joke. Just kidding I <3 you Lazy. As last years outgoing winner I invited Lazy to crown the new winner but unfortunately he is busy getting his squad ready to shut up the haters. Season 28 brings us a whole new crop.


    Nominees: @Name Is Ricky (UTI), @JD l23l (GRG), @UT5035 (MIL)


    Winner: JD l23l of Grand Rapids! JD or Jack Daniels 23 as I assume this is what JD stands for is the winner this season but really can you be considered a winner when your internal organs are bruised from receiving so many body blows? Easy Lazy don’t get all horned up. JD’s pads begun the season crisp white and now look like the inside of a coal miners lungs. I’m again assuming that the 23 in JD’s name was also a goal for wins this season (check) and bottles of alcohol consumed during the season (check). Grand Rapids 721 shots is too many pucks to allow your goalie to see. Next season lets try screening him more. Congrats JD.
    papertowel.png




    “I’m buying the rounds boys”:



    Awarded to the goalie(s) most likely carried by their team to success. Now this is not to say that the nominated is not capable of playing the game. No no sir! What I’m saying here is that it’s quite possible (definite) they were assisted greatly by the team in front of them and they used that to parlay them to a successful season. IE: they owe these guys some serious rounds.


    Winner: @Jonas Petersson / Sedin x 33 (MTB) Have I mentioned before I fuckin’ hate you guys? Answer. Yes I have. It’s not personal, not in the least. I just hate that you two asshats are getting to play for such a great team. I WANT TO PLAY WITH MANITOBA!!! Did I just scream that? Oops. I’m just going on record and saying if you two guys aren’t stroking the teams giant throbbing dicks after every game then your doing it wrong! End of story. Jonas saw just 391 shots in 43 games (avg. 9.09 per game) and Sedin a piddly 275 in 28 games (avg. 9.82 per game). Motherfuckers I’ve seen that many in a period! Combined (666 in 81 games) that is less than our paper towel man (721) saw in 50 games! Sorry I’m getting fired up again. It’s just I really wanna PLAY FOR 4TH!!! If anyone wants to argue the merits of a goalies stats on a solid team vs a mediocre team PM me. But be warned I’m gonna fuck you. Congrats Jonas and Sedin you two can share this award or don’t I really don’t fuckin’ care I’m just so pissed I can’t even see straight any longer.

    rounds.jpg





    “I’m a Winner!”:


    Awarded to the padded person who quite simply won the most games this season. This can mean one of two things. 1) Your a real decent goalie. 2) Your playing in Manitoba. (fuck those guys) As our winner is not currently playing in Manitoba I’m gonna go with the whole this guy is a decent goalie thing. Sure he can’t fight worth a damn but he does enjoy the creature comforts of life like eating fried chicken on the couch while watching Disney movies in the company of other males. Season 28’s undisputed game winner is Stockton’s @Granpapuff420. Gramps rounded up 38 wins in 52 attempts posting a gravy like 1.65 GAA alongside the hot soft biscuits of goaltending 84.8 save %. Good job to you Gramps it appears you learned a lot as my young protege/understudy in Charlotte season 26. It’s also no surprise I was in Stockton last year and Puff had decided he wanted to follow me there too. Too bad I left. Watch for Puff in Tucson season 29.

    winner.jpg




    “Man of the cloth”:


    Man of the cloth is presented to the “holey goalie”. This is not a religious reference here folks. I’m spotlighting the goalie who appears to have as many holes in his body as there appear to be in his game. If your mentioned here it’s time to reconsider goaltending as your primary position. Sure you could move to defence, wing or even center but truthfully the bench area seems most suited to you.


    Nominees: @UT5035 (MIL), @NotoriousFAT 00 (TUC), @ItsJustDoogan (CHA), @Belarus (SAN)


    Winner: @ItsJustDoogan has found a great alternative to costly neck tanning beds and here it is.... Goaltending for the Charlotte Checkers! It’s so simple and easy all you have to do is simply sign up to play goalie here on LG and manage to find yourself on the checkers roster. That’s really the hard part. Now you just have to kick back, relax and show up to your games. The starting 5 in front of you will do the rest or conversely do nothing and allow opposition teams to score on you at will. Each and every game you get lit up and as the goal light goes off your neck will begin to turn that gorgeous golden color. Sexy! Unfortunately along with an incredibly well tanned neck he now has the distinction of letting the largest number of goals against in the AHL. Probably also neck cancer. 173 goals against seems high, It feels even worse when you consider that Doogan played just 31 games this season. Enjoy the award and get some aloe on that neck of yours. It looks a bit angry.

    dunanana_cheese_man.jpg




    Backpacker:



    This guy is not here because he likes to travel on a budget, sleep in cramped quarters along with other malodorous men and women so hairy they make sasquatch check his combover. No! He’s here because he has been carrying the weight of his team on his back and doing it while keeping his stats amongst the AHL’s best goalies this season. All three of our nominees would be valid choices and an argument could be made for all of them.


    Nominees: @iReeva (BNG), @RBK v420 (CLE), @Darcy Kuemper (LHV)


    Winner: @Darcy Kuemper. Darcy the Goalie statistically had a great season and would be a solid choice as the backpack winner. But you need to look at what he has done this season as a manager also. For my money no one has had to defeat more adversity this season that Darcy. We all know what happened to him and his roster and this is not a place to get all political but it should be noted. Darcy carried the mail for LHV this season and led his guys to the Eastern Atlantic division title on the last game of the season. He finished 8th in wins (28), 8th in shots against (642) and an amazing 3rd in save %(85.2%). Those are numbers that don’t usually coincide with each other. It appears that once Darcy cleared out all the empties from his backpack there was plenty of room to carry 16 other grown virtual people inside. Well played sir!

    giant-jansport-backpack-0.jpg




    Special Agent “L”:


    The “L” is for losses, Loser, Last, Laughable, Lol. You gotta be pretty special to lead the AHL in losses perhaps even a masochist? Either way no one likes you and your mother dresses you funny.


    Nominees: @CAPTAIN TURTL31 (TUC), @UT75035 (MIL), @NotoriousFAT 00 (TUC)


    Winner: @NotoriousFAT 00 (6-29-4). How the fuck did I win? I write this shit! Fuck me….. Ok here we go gotta roast my own fuckin’ self.


    Notorious Led the AHL in losses for season 28 with a cock crushing 33. A lot goalies don’t even play 33 games but somehow you lost 33 games in just 39 attempts. Awful. Gross. Like what the fuck were you even doing? Did you receive payouts from opposing teams? I doubt it no one was scared of Tucson. Take into account that Notorious IS actually fat and the thought that a puck never mind light could get around him is staggering. I’ve actually heard of people dying trying to make it to the north side of Notorious as they didn’t pack sufficient supplies. He’s truthfully not even wearing gear as @PieR Talent took it away from him in season 25 while he was in Hershey. Tucson was picked by many to finish last in the Western Pacific and Noto took this as a challenge and proved them right. Disgraceful.


    Seems like a good time to announce my retirement from the net and with it unfortunately goes the “Life in the Cage” articles and segment on Overdrive. Looking forward to the next phase of my LG career. Perhaps it’s time to start a “Bleeding Blue” article?

    loser.png




    Season 28 Mount Rushmore:


    Season 28 saw a decrease in known players at many positions as many stepped aside with concerns with the games playability. They were probably correct in their assesment. These guys stuck around and played and frankly they did not disappoint. Here are your top goalies of the season and thus they deserve their ugly fuckin’ mugs engraved into some rock.


    Winners:


    @Darcy Kuemper (LHV), 28-11-5, 2.07 GAA, 85.2 sv%

    Even with a backpack full of Phantoms Darcy scratched and clawed his way to Mount Rushmore. Great season and in my opinion some serious consideration for the Louis A.R. Pieri (GM of the Year)


    @Granpapuff420 (STK), 38-11-3, 1.65 GAA, 84.8 sv%

    Granpapuff420 is good. Don’t believe me just ask him he will tell you. If there is one thing Puff does not lack it would be confidence. Self control maybe, confidence no.


    @RBK v420 (CLE), 34-13-6, 2.39 GAA, 79.9 sv%

    RBK although statistically not the strongest in this group earns his spot just on effort alone. With 53 games played it’s obvious Cleveland leaned on him heavily and he for the most part responded with a solid season.


    @Jonas Petersson 34-8-1, 1.72 GAA, 80.6 sv% / @Sedin x 33 25-2-2, 1.53 GAA, 83.6 sv% (MTB)

    Ya they need to share again. I’m still pissed off. This will be a tricky job for the sculptor's to get right as half of each face will be merged together to make one face. Hopefully you guys have very similar and symmetrical domes.



    Honorable mentions:


    @P3k1ng DuK (ONT) 28-8-4, 1.97 GAA, 83.0 sv%

    Would have made the landmark but he forgot to send me my poutine. Yes I am that shallow.


    @l Scopes x l20l (WBS) 31-13-6, 2.16 GAA, 81.9 sv%

    Seemingly lifelong Penguin pulls in with a great season. Just a “Tonya Harding” like incident away from immortality.

    Mount-Rushmore-On-The-Canadian-Side.jpg



    Thank you again for reading and hopefully enjoying the 2nd annual Fatty awards. It really is touching for me when I look at the forum and see my articles “read” numbers climb each day. If you have any questions, comments or feedback please feel free to post it below. I will promptly ignore it and plan my next article and find a way to use you in it. I hate you all. Sadly for me this is going to be the end of my contributions towards goalies here in the AHL. I thank all of you over the last couple of seasons for putting up with my ribbing and indulging me by reading my drivel. It really has been a good ride but as I mentioned earlier in this awards write up I will be stepping away from goaltending here in LG. After 3 seasons in the CHL and 5 in the AHL not to mention a couple tournaments and a absolute abortion of a Pro Series team I have just had my fill of the crease. Thank you to all of you.


    I will continue here in LG at some level but I just need a break.



    Until next season.... Be BIG. Be square. Be soft!




    NotoriousFAT 00
     
    • Like Like x 19
    • Winner Winner x 10
    • Funny Funny x 1
    • Informative Informative x 1
    Offline
    notoriousfat00
  2. LukeForceWalker

    LukeForceWalker Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Oct 14, 2016
    Messages:
    160
    Discord:
    LukeForceWalker#2793
    Trophy Points:
    2,891
    Location:
    Minnesota
    Ratings:
    +636 / 5 / -27
    I read at a first grade level but it was definitely worth spending an hour reading. Witty and nicely written.
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Funny Funny x 1
    • Creative Creative x 1
    Offline
    lukeforcewaiker
  3. JayyDubski

    JayyDubski LGCHL Director

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 2014
    Messages:
    2,820
    Discord:
    dayoungbuck#0
    Trophy Points:
    8,541
    Location:
    Ottawa, Ontario
    Ratings:
    +3,456 / 325 / -613
    • Like Like x 1
    Offline
    DaYoungBuck
  4. KeBrik

    KeBrik Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2016
    Messages:
    168
    Trophy Points:
    3,741
    Location:
    Trois-rivieres, canada
    Ratings:
    +291 / 5 / -12
    I had high expectations coming into this thread because of last season and once again you delivered. Thanks for the read !
     
    • Like Like x 3
    No Streaming Account
  5. Darse

    Darse Knob Jockey

    Joined:
    Dec 21, 2014
    Messages:
    668
    Discord:
    darcykuemper#0
    Trophy Points:
    9,501
    Location:
    Eagan, Minnesota
    Ratings:
    +3,361 / 98 / -121
    Great post! I’m glad you found some time and ambition to put this together for us! Thanks a lot!
     
    • Like Like x 3
    Offline
    DKuemps
  6. NotoriousFAT 00

    NotoriousFAT 00 Former LG media kingpin, Wine gum lover, LG dad.

    Joined:
    Apr 25, 2015
    Messages:
    1,524
    Discord:
    NotoriousFAT 00#5853
    Trophy Points:
    4,801
    Location:
    Winnipeg MB
    Ratings:
    +3,744 / 76 / -124
    Always fun to write about my co-players. Even if I am a pile of hot garbage at least I can live vicariously through all of you.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    Offline
    notoriousfat00
  7. LAZYKIDZinGA

    LAZYKIDZinGA S32 Canucks Owner

    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2014
    Messages:
    325
    Discord:
    lazy#2805
    Trophy Points:
    2,801
    Ratings:
    +186 / 21 / -51
    Best paper towel ever lol
     
    • Like Like x 1
    Offline
    Lazyyyygaming
  8. Landy Byng

    Landy Byng hockey

    Joined:
    Jul 6, 2014
    Messages:
    610
    Trophy Points:
    5,751
    Location:
    Canada
    Ratings:
    +1,128 / 124 / -181
    • Like Like x 1
    No Streaming Account
  9. P3k1ng DuK

    P3k1ng DuK Laporshkin x 71’s son

    Joined:
    Jun 25, 2016
    Messages:
    419
    Trophy Points:
    3,901
    Location:
    Québec
    Ratings:
    +567 / 48 / -60
    I would send you a poutine, but first would cost a lot and second the poutine wouldn’t be that good at the arrival but really good write up bro!
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • Creative Creative x 1
    Offline
    p3k1ng_duk
  10. Dunks

    Dunks Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Nov 30, 2013
    Messages:
    636
    Discord:
    DunksDynasty#3635
    Trophy Points:
    9,011
    Ratings:
    +1,643 / 53 / -79
    Phenomenal read. Thanks for taking the time to do this.
     
    • Like Like x 2
    Offline
    DunksDynasty
  11. NotoriousFAT 00

    NotoriousFAT 00 Former LG media kingpin, Wine gum lover, LG dad.

    Joined:
    Apr 25, 2015
    Messages:
    1,524
    Discord:
    NotoriousFAT 00#5853
    Trophy Points:
    4,801
    Location:
    Winnipeg MB
    Ratings:
    +3,744 / 76 / -124
    Well if it isn't the "Notorious" of Access.
     
    Offline
    notoriousfat00
  12. Dunks

    Dunks Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Nov 30, 2013
    Messages:
    636
    Discord:
    DunksDynasty#3635
    Trophy Points:
    9,011
    Ratings:
    +1,643 / 53 / -79
    We should just combine forces but I’m not sure the league could handle all the weight :) we are fat haha
     
    • Like Like x 1
    Offline
    DunksDynasty
  13. I Risto I

    I Risto I Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Nov 23, 2014
    Messages:
    627
    Trophy Points:
    2,127
    Location:
    Buffalo
    Ratings:
    +866 / 79 / -110
    Darren <3
     
    • Winner Winner x 1
    No Streaming Account
  14. NotoriousFAT 00

    NotoriousFAT 00 Former LG media kingpin, Wine gum lover, LG dad.

    Joined:
    Apr 25, 2015
    Messages:
    1,524
    Discord:
    NotoriousFAT 00#5853
    Trophy Points:
    4,801
    Location:
    Winnipeg MB
    Ratings:
    +3,744 / 76 / -124
    I'll miss you all my padded pals.
     
    Offline
    notoriousfat00
  15. Tolvanen l11l

    Tolvanen l11l 78 Overall Fringe Starter

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2015
    Messages:
    127
    Trophy Points:
    3,341
    Ratings:
    +206 / 13 / -32
    I didn't make the list as Holey goalie. #Rigged
     
    No Streaming Account
  16. NotoriousFAT 00

    NotoriousFAT 00 Former LG media kingpin, Wine gum lover, LG dad.

    Joined:
    Apr 25, 2015
    Messages:
    1,524
    Discord:
    NotoriousFAT 00#5853
    Trophy Points:
    4,801
    Location:
    Winnipeg MB
    Ratings:
    +3,744 / 76 / -124
    You had nearly 4x the wins I did. I didn't win either.
     
    Offline
    notoriousfat00
  17. UT75035

    UT75035 PSN CHL Scrub

    Joined:
    Nov 25, 2014
    Messages:
    261
    Trophy Points:
    4,121
    Location:
    Texas
    Ratings:
    +371 / 10 / -23
    Great read! Thanks for that! It was fun playing against you! Most definitely will play more during the offseason!
     
    No Streaming Account