Post Bidding Rankings

Welcome to the yearly ”let’s rattle the teams by telling them their roster isn’t that good” write up. Keep in mind the write ups are meant to be entertaining to read, so be sure to be extra salty in the forums and chat box. Remember, everything here is personal, and these write ups are 100% accurate 70% of the time. Thanks to @MadeOfTwoFaces who is responsible for the power rankings themselves and the letter grades, as well as doing Manitoba’s write up.

Yes the write ups are short, I had to crank these out before we record the media show tonight

Eastern Conference

Atlantic Division


1. Springfield Falcons

O: A

D: B

G: A


After getting fisted by @Kopi in last season’s Calder Finals, @Bake703 and company are looking to make another run at the cup. Taking @fils as the agm will really help their offense, but this is one team where offense shouldn’t be a problem. This is the one team where I actually recognize every forward on the roster, a rare occurrence in watered down summer seasons. They may have a couple mediocre at best NHL players, but they could be very successful against AHL “defensemen”.


The back end looks pretty average however, led by @Rogers 2010 and @ii BaLLiSTiK Xx. Luckily the goalie duo looks up to the task of carrying, as

@Tatar l21l is a proven netminder. His relatively cheap price of 1.75 is also a steal when being compared to some of the goalie contracts given out this bidding.


Springfield looks like they have the tools to make another cup run, unless they choke like a certain “swiper of heads” girlfriend. @MadeOfTwoFaces GET THE BELT


2. Hartford Wolf Pack

O: A

D: B

G: B+

First off @WelcomeToTheWeb and @Steeler l96l, my condolences for getting anally fucked with the whole sloshy thing. Not the way any team would like to start out, but fortunately your team still looks relatively impressive. Not sure if @Elegant Mullet was a forward pickup because he’s decent or because he’s your buddy, but he’s the only frightening question mark I see. Of course CHL all stars are always a risk too, so hopefully they transition well.


Defensively I think @CryingJrdanFace was a smart pickup of a proven player, and that gamertag is worth whatever you pay him. But the rest of your back end has me pretty worried, especially @Bobo1bozinski44. I still have flashbacks to that 2 on 1 blue line hipcheck in OT playoffs. Goaltending looks average, @SportsFanatic73 has been around a while and puts up good numbers, but @NotoriousFAT 00 has a career 67 SV%.


Even if things don’t start out well for this team, or they feel they need to make changes, they should have the cap space to have a lot of flexibility in making moves.


3. Lehigh Valley Phantoms

O: B+

D: B+

G: B+


Even though his forum posts are made of Magic Johnson’s blood, @l Sakic x 19 l managed to put together a respectable team. @NXT and @SciRRoTTo87 are solid AHL forwards, alongside @l SLIM x 8 l who was a top scorer last season. Defense is composed of @GR8 x Ovechkin and @l Krug 47 l, with 4 additional pylons included. The goalies should be average, but that team defense won’t be giving them much support.


There will be some high scoring games with this team, as they’ll struggle to get defensive stops. The offensive firepower is there however, but against teams who somewhat know what they’re doing in their defensive zone, things might get ugly.


4. Portland Pirates

O: B+

D: B+

G: B+


@Ovechkin xl8lx and @Gunwoat are taking the wheel of Portland, and they’ve invested heavily in @ xo Super. Picking up his linemates in @Doc Status and @Noobinator156 is risky however, because combined, they form the most deadly enforcer line the league has ever seen. If they try they’ll be good or whatever, but I’m much more worried about them throwing bodies. Last year on my team, Noob made me roleplay as a schoolgirl and enforced his will upon me. For the sake of everyone’s safety, just let Super score 5 a game.


They have @Cobe Wan Kanobi on defense. I have no idea who that is, but his gamertag makes him elite. Hopefully he learned how to force choke from the GOAT himself: Darth HeadSwiper. RUN LADIES


5. Wilkes Barre Scranton Penguins

O: B+

D: B

G: B-


So I’ve never personally had a problem with WBS, but the mob is forcing me to pick up my pitchfork. With all the salt seen from @PahkTheCah1387 and @Ambient I37I this offseason, it’s a miracle they aren’t shriveled up like beef jerky. After being accused of being EA cheese artists, they embraced their title and are perfecting the art of throwing turds on net. Hopefully @xCROSBYx l87l can bury some rebounds for his questionable 4.75 million contract.


Aside from the notable defensemen of @OG nyBONE 3 and @Gumba l11l, @Watergun13 is a solid pickup as well. Goalies look questionable, but they’ll be fine since they’re guarded by the shield of Rammer.


IMPOR TANT LEAGUE NOTICE: Do not fight them, they do not enjoy it


6. Bridgeport Sound Tigers

O: C+

D: B-

G: B-


Ok Faces, why you ranked them this low is a mystery to me. This is a team that deserves your 1st lines, mainly because @Kirito x58 is gunna stack them midway through the season. Amateurs @hotwinglol, @Master Payoo, and @Motown will all find their way down to his roster, assuming NYI crash and burn up in the NHL.


So maybe their roster isn’t terrific right now, but give it a couple weeks.


Oh and Kirito, enjoy @Strawnine


7. Providence Bruins

O: B-

D: C+

G: B-


Yikes. I don’t see anyone noticeable here, like a team full of wallflowers. At least you get to fuck Emma Watson? @i need too P00 is a dominant pokemon player though, so if you see him turn his hat backwards, just quit the game.



8. Hershey Bears

O: C+

D: B-

G: C+


They are bad. They will always be bad. Hershey is cursed like Vancouver and Winnipeg. I believe the average bet for how long before @Danky quits is about 2 weeks, which seem like fair odds. We can sum up this team by simply noticing the name of their left winger: @AssBootyCheeks


North Division


1. Syracuse Crunch

O: A

D: B-

G: B


@CT 66 builds a good squad here led by @Hertz x 18 and @l Harvey l x44. They have some depth up front, and their defense looks to be averageish. @Dark3n is hopefully thumby at d, because he’s playing alongside multiple cheap d men. I can confirm that @x Lundqvist x is a stud in net though, so that will make the defense’s life a little easier.


I wouldn’t put them ranked ahead of Albany, but I guess Faces knows something we don’t. Or he’s just stupid. Maybe his snapbacks are on too tight?


2. Albany Devils

O: A

D: B

G: B-


@Coach Denham says his team wouldn’t lose in a 7 game series, and although they’re far from unbeatable, they are pretty damn good. They have the GOAT in our favorite gamechanger @MCDONALD l19l, who we all know can simply turn on EA luck with the snap of his fingers. They also have some refugees from Ontario, who were decent 2nd line guys.


Defensively I will say that you overpaid for @DontFWithFred and @Schizostone (sorry I love you both), and I really hope you’re not disappointed with what you paid for. You have @xNHL DANGLES07x between the pipes, who learned from the best last season from @Zero Choice.


3. Rochester Americans

O: B+

D: B+

G: B+


@PaulyChunks has a great goal scorer in agm @A Sticky Snake, and offense looks potent on this squad with forwards like @D1ckD4wg and @K inG x NeymaR. They also have big names on defense with @JKGrizzle and @GSW925. Maybe Rochester won’t choke like the Warriors did this season.


Speaking of choking, have I mentioned headswiper yet?


4. Toronto Marlies

O: B-

D: B-

G: B-


I know you’ll probably never read this @oNo RuThLesS, as I don’t think your typewriter gets wifi, but I am rooting for you guys hard this season. But as my heart says you’ll be ok, my brain is telling me to get on the ground and not breathe in the smoke coming from your burning dumpster fire.


Ok that’s a little harsh, but fuck man did you learn nothing from @The Broche and I the last couple seasons?? You made all the same mistakes we did our first season, and even included some new ones! You didn’t have a bid put in until over 24 hours after bidding started, leaving you with a smaller bidding pool than was even available before. Your season is going to depend on chl stars, many who have never even played a game in the AHL. You also spent 3 million on a goalie, which is a universal no-no. I hope you guys do ok, and all the best of luck to @mat2618 and @Bee l22l.


5. Utica Comets

O: B

D: B-

G: B-


So this team seems to have the exact same problems as Toronto, with multiple CHL risks and an expensive goalie. So just read the paragraph above, and insert Utica’s name.


Depending on CHL guys is incredibly risky, and the success rate is about equal to male pregnancy.


6. St. Johns Ice Caps

O: B-

D: C+

G: B


Speaking of CHL disappointments, @l1l Sharp l0l is a guy who knows all about how CHL stars can struggle in the AHL. For any of you new teams who think your chl buddies and you can dominate, go ahead and ask Sharp about how mcpluggles did.


For St. John’s, I like @cadillac eldo up front, and that’s about it.


Hey but shout out to @iJoopy, who was the stud center for us 2 seasons ago who threw games in order to be sent down. After being waived he was then immediately acquired by Sharp, and stopped taking 10+ PIMs a game. Hmmm….


7. Binghamton Senators

O: C

D: C-

G: C+


Sorry @v FrosTiC, this season will be rough. Aside from your no name forward army, @Johnny Fivehole and @Brassard x 16 are the only defensemen I can even remotely trust. You guys inherited a terrible situation though, so all the best of luck to you. At least your nhl owner won’t be able to rape this team for its players.


Western Conference

Central Division


1. Lake Erie Monsters

O: B+

D: A

G: B+


LEM has a well balanced roster, with the best 1.5 mil 3rd line possible in @squish12, @RBK v420, and @PROfesser waLsh. @VVaGs82 and @Martin ScoresEZ are gunna be good for wins, but it’s the depth that makes this team so scary. @Bellx91 is their big name D man, and he should be well worth the hefty 8 million. @Cobra CommandoJ was a pylon on the 360, but maybe hes grown thumbs since then.


Yes spending 4.5 million on a goalie is idiotic, but I understand why @DA JABR0NY got that contract. It wasn’t as much based on skill as it was friendship, and vvags had the cap to spare to pick up his IRL buddy. I’m not a fan of the move, but I can respect why it happened.


2. Iowa Wild

O: B

D: A

G: B-


I’ll be honest, I’m a bit perplexed why Iowa is ranked second. The forwards seem pretty mediocre with the exception of @Daqs x 13, and their defense is certainly nothing to write home about. @Gthumbz42o is solid I guess, but 2nd place Faces? Really? How much is @Kaddie x75 blowing you for this to happen?


3. Milwaukee Admirals

O: B+

D: B

G: A-


LOL you wish


4. Manitoba Moose

O: A

D: B+

G: C+


Written by special guest MadeOfTwoSiblings

What happens when the only one who has bidding access on a management team that has Gucci, Nxgi, and Broche on it is Nxgi? 8m on a 2nd liner and lack of a back end to your roster. Going in to bidding, Manitoba was probably one of the teams everyone had their eyes on and was watching out for. After bidding? The team has 2 lines that can score, one line with Nxgi on it, a couple D that most of the AHL will cone with ease and 2 goalies that can get lit up like a Christmas tree. Lets start with the forwards.


By now, everyone knows the Broche/Gucci/Datsyuk line. Those who don’t? Go back to your CHL team. This line will be the backbone of this team. The rest of the forwards? Cronkzy and Juney may be able to carry a line to a few wins, if oNo Durette doesn’t drag that line down. The 3rd line is the biggest concern here. Schaefa and Nxgi enter their second season as line-mates here. Last season on Bakersfield, while they put up points, they didn’t exactly shine bright like a diamond out there. Many of you know NX as a thumbless nub, this is true. This line is gonna be the ugly duckling of an otherwise good forward line-up and may be the Achilles heel.


On the back end, you’ve got a 50%, 50% this may be trouble line-up. It starts out good, Ch3ster cheeto, W3stwood, Wiz, but after those 3 it goes right downhill to xPraiseAllah, ALKY782, and Waitn2respawn. You can balance it out and put one good D with one bad D, but there will always be a weak one people will expose.


Now way back behind the shaky D is an even shakier goaltending duo. Leddy enters his first season as a tendy after playing behind Gucci last season, and hopefully he’s actually half decent. Beside him is PGUIN91. Never before been on the winning side of the W/L column above the CHL in season 7, and not the best goaltender you could’ve picked (considering the cap space they blew on a 2nd line forward, there wasn’t much choice though) and it will probably come back to bite them in the ass.


All in all, this may be a wonderful case of a great offense being held back by a very shaky back end. Gucci and Broche may not be atop the table like they’re used too this time. That’s what you get when you choose to GM beside a guy like Nxgi and play on hard-mode.


5. Charlotte Checkers

O: B

D: B+

G: B+


No @macros73 fuck you, you don’t get a write up when you have 30 people on your roster. I have no clue who’s playing, but after just glancing at it, unless your having all 30 people play at one time, I give it a solid “meh”.


6. Grand Rapids Griffins

O: B

D: B-

G: B


@Privatizee made it well known that he was only focusing on offense, and that he believes a good forward line can carry assy defensemen. Well he stuck to that plan, cause holyyyyyy shit does his defense suck. His best defensemen is @BARELYJEWISH22, with the ridiculous salary of 2.25.


Theres no way in hell you’re beating decent teams this year, even if you have chl stud draft picks. Unless you can put up 7 a game, mistakes were made.


7. Rockford IceHogs

O: C+

D: C

G: B


They’re always bad I guess? I’m really not a fan of anyone on your team. Looks like another last place finish is in the works for Rockford.


But hey, maybe you can pick up super again? I’m sure he’d love to come back for another round.


8. Chicago Wolves

O: C+

D: B-

G: C-


I’m pretty sure Faces just hates @JJr, because this team is not last place. No way they’re worse than Rockford, and in fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if they finish higher than Milwaukee. @im just a squid will put up points, and @Draisaitl 29 and @devilsknight617 are both good d men. This team may not be stacked, but they definitely aren’t last place.


Pacific Division


1. Ontario Reign

O: B+

D: A

G: B+


@iTransitions builds yet another good Ontario team, picking up @Hainers in bidding. @Wolfy l12l is also a steal on defense, and putting him next to @Easy Macaroni would be a good idea. That 6 million @PolarPandaFTW contract makes me cringe however, hopefully that money wasn’t misued.


@PSYCHIC TACO 24 is a great goalie to have also, and overall this team looks ready for another cup run. I don’t think they have the talent to win it all, but a couple moves and that all changes.


2. Bakersfield Condors

O: B+

D: B

G: B+


@n00dle has finally freed himself from @Nxgi, and he looks to finally play in a game 7 this season. I like his management style so far, as he has already tried to trape negi a few times in the preseason. @WeezyFnSwamprat and @DwnSyndromeDAV3 are great to have on defense, and @Live365xPATRICK looks to have another solid season.


This team definitely benefits from being in a weak division, but that mean playoffs are almost guaranteed.


3. Stockton Heat

O: B+

D: B

G: C


What’s the over/under on how long it’ll take @Coach Crass to land back on this team? The deadly @doh23 line is back for another season, this time playing under @Lost and Hungry and @Volt x. This team looks deep but not overwhelmingly talented, but will once again benefit from being in the ass division.


I hope all our dreams come true, and we see another Milwaukee/Stockton playoff match up this year. If you aren’t there by 10 minutes after gametime, @Tiddus will personally castrate you.


4. San Antonio Rampage

O: B+

D: B

G: C


Pretty bleak roster, but San Antonio looks better than the prior season, at least in terms of forwards. Defense is extremely shaky though, as @hicksy999 going for blue line hits every play will probably not go over well. I do like your players name however, as @xScoobyDoo seems like a stand up fella.


I would assume @Legs Dreams ends up on Toronto before the end of the season, and that @PleaseTradeMe becomes the request of a lot of Rampage players.


5. San Jose Barracuda

O: B-

D: B-

G: B


@StealthyAdopted is on this team, and he hates when people put effort into this league. We are all a bunch of nerds, and need to go outside. We should all aspire to be like him, a stud AA player. I don’t wanna say anything about your team as I seem to not have my facts straight, so lets just all agree you guys will blow big fucking donkey dick.


6. San Diego Gulls

O: B+

D: B-

G: C+


Why @l1l Gabella l9l did you think taking management with redwingfreak was a good idea? Did he kidnap your family?? Blink twice if you’re in danger


No but you guys look pretty bad. Better hope your @InsurancePolicy includes life


7. Texas Stars

O: C

D: B+

G: B-


Yessssss were finally here at upstanding citizen @headswiper73 and his beautiful Texas team. Careful @PivotGivinner and @lYoungBuck l42l, he tends to hold just a bit too tightly to those who he loves. Usually around the neck area.

 

Solid job, only recommendation I'd give is don't be afraid to tell people their O, D, or G is a D or a F.

 

Great write up @SetoGucci , thanks for taking the time to do it. Not sure I like being 1st tho faces... I prefer being dead last like last season.

Also, for the record, jabber is my friend but I also think he's the best goalie for my team. Thanks

 

Couldn't agree more, @MadeOfTwoFaces is a little bitch who is afraid to hand out the D and F

 

Tatar l21l and the Checkers have agreed to a 2 season deal at $1,750,000 per season
2016-02-26 01:21am

And while I have everyone's attention, a public service announcement:

 

Damn Faces, I thought we had a love connection </3

 

well that was mean

 

Rochester is winning the cup. DickDawg doesn't lose in the playoffs and PaulyChunks will just jump deke past opposing defenses/goalies

 

There's too many fucking unknowns this season to go around handing out Fs. Give me two weeks and I'll hand them out since everyone picked up CHLers.

 

Midseason? Try a few days lol

 

Got the big bag for THIS 1

 

Well thanks @MadeOfTwoFaces for ranking us 2nd and screw you @SetoGucci i only give handies lol

 

LOLOLOLOL can we get a write up of someone who knows what theyre talking about? St Johns 6? Texas last? learn about some people before actually trying to put up something like this.

 

No mention of @Brisan66

Get reKt

 

Don't worry, we all know who you are, Scumbag Breckeeezy.

 

LOL. This was great

 

OMG YOU STILL HAVE THIS? I LOVE YOU

 

Send Third lines to St.Johns only CHL Scrubs here.