The Kinda Sorta Halfway There Write-Up (West)

These are more write-ups designed to bring the forum trolls out and get the people of the LGHL wet again. If you disagree with anything i said, you probably suck more than rifleman10...


1) Lol (shout out to OM19) Aids (shout out to Handzus) Kings

With 15/72 of the promised in a suicide bombers afterlife, the only non-virg in LA is @Proud Gay Dad. Seriously 7 out of the current 8 forwards will only ever play with two boxes (360/XB1) in their lifetime. With probably the best forward group among the 30 teams @SJUSoccer9 and @Space Jam XVII have acquired forwards that seem to show up on Dave’s roster every other season. My best friend @Canucks x 95 (even though he refuses to acknowledge it) is the only player in a cold streak losing to shitty teams but i still love you anyways d00d.


Offense Rating: A+


Speaking a virgins, @officialmark07 still thinks when his mom talks about her “Hoo-Hoo” she is referring to some sort of Hostess snack… which is what really makes this kids dick hard. Paired with @Ed Reflx on the D side of things, the two together are one of the best in the league. @x Braydenn is quite serviceable at this point but the rest of the D are nubs riding the coattails of forwards. I don’t think it matters much as the forwards and goalers will carry them.


Defense Rating: B


I probably should use another virgin joke here but i think the records for @xlx Mac xlx and @Mr Vezina 20 speak for themselves. Best tandem in the league right now and it’ll probably stay that way.


Goaler Rating: A+


Questions going forward- LA has 750k (my same cap hit ) to pick up a 9th forward, will they even bother and if they do, who do they 2 for 1?
Does @King Clement realize that his club ranking and LG stats as his OKcupid profile aren’t gunna get him anywhere?


2) Calgary Flamers


When you think of the worlds most noteable gay couples, you think: NPH and David Burtka, Uncle Elton John and Davis Furnish, Brittney Griner and Glory Johnson, @Watman eh and @Chivs01 . Im trying to figure out which one lays the pipe and which one enjoys it. The guys usually produce and so they should earning almost a third of CGY’s salary. With other names like @Xx LoL xX 9 on a fucking horrendous contract, fake MVP (@Scumbag MVP) on another not so dope contract and a third line that doesn’t always have to look at their controller while playing, this forward group is one that could almost be considered dark horse.


Offense Rating: B+


The defence. Its one i had high hopes for really. @neglawt was good in 15 but with another gross contract and hasnt been good so far. @shuhead is on a pretty solid contract and still isn’t playing well…. probably busy getting laid and paid while working (RIP Oakland Style GroupMe) @MethodMacK sucks dick at fucking pussy. the random D is doing ok for 500k. @m1st3r ped is someone i thought was decent after seeing in club games. And then out of all of it Brando is the only one doing well. I really don’t know at this point.


Defence Rating: C+


@l Crosscheck l is the starter and one who i don’t think has made the transition to 16 goaltending as well as he wanted to. That being said his back-up is playing decent as well so all and all Calgary doesnt need to put too much thought into their goaltending at this point.


Goaler Rating: B+


Questions going forward- Will the world turn right side up and have CGY’s D start performing the way i think they are capable of?
Does Brando make moves big or small to shake up/kick start the back end?


3) Minny Wild


A very forward heavy (talking about salary wise, not @rifleman10 ‘s weight) team that includes the brother of my current (MTKK #FreeButton) lover @MattTheCoolCat, @IcE JaVeLiN, @Dutch MDK as part of 7 salaried forwards worth over 20mill. Ayoh seems to be carrying rifleman’s 300 lb body mass at this point and is talented enough to potentially continue. @Sejje 19 and @Couture l 39 l have surprised me, i thought they were going to be another Florida type team and be moving multiple players every week… So well done on that.


Offence Rating: A-


This D Core was destined to be skinny from the start and it really shows. @Dav711 was a really good grab and proving it, @Make Your Luck was an alright contract as well but the other 4 are as useless as tits on a bowl. When asking an anonymous Minnesota player whose name rhymes with Rice Abdomen to describe his own 6 D, the reply was just one word, “Trying” So there you have it, even the forwards have no belief in the D.


Defence Rating: C-


Minnesota does make up for a little bit of its ineptitude with half decent goaltending. @Remnato and @o S m i i t t y . When Rice Abdomen was asked to describe his goalers he used the very specific words “Luck and Victim” i’d say there is some heat in the locker room created by Make Your Luck and Rice is pointing at his Goalers as the victims.


Goaler Rating: B+


Questions going forward- Who makes a backpack strong enough to carry rifle“i’ll get it supersized”man10 if AO can’t do it alone?
Does Minny move someone like Dutch for a D that might stand half a chance?


4) EdMAINton Oilers


@Brisan66 is another owner bringing back familiar faces to his team season after season. Building a fairly terrifying top line of @Fr33kOnTheStix , @The MainEvent and returning GM @GB521 . @iANAL GRANDMA (Lazy Joey) @XxxTHEBENGALxxX and @Garis93 are decent guys to have following up the top line, but once again Brisan refuses to pick notable 3rd liners. Guys like @Rebel2Clutch probably get consistently laid and shit. How do you expect them to win playoff biggies.


Offence Rating: B+


@Gary Garoo


Defence Rating: A+ Brisan is catching the GB train to win land, Darg and Karl are both solid in 16, Don’t really have an opinion on the other two. And Gary is unreal.


@The Master I Am has started off quite slow which is a little weird considering his previous seasons, and @Lambsy17 is having a great campaign. With the potential of Cookie playing well too the goaltending in Edm seems to be in a good spot.


Goaler Rating: B


Questions going forward- Will Mrs. Gar00’s cookies be able to keep Gary out of junkfood jail?
Does Brisan again go into a post season 3rd lineless?


5) Dall ASS Stars


If @xxThe GreaT 48, @Salty Milk Bags, @DaNextOne with Terry, Murr and Vas is @Pandaleupagus ‘s idea of game 7 line, then we have a 6 that can match LA’s 6 blow for blow. Recently picking up probably my favourite player ever in Monaco, Dallas also has the depth to at least push a series to 7 games. The one thing i worry is that after receiving his Norris from last year, Briere finally has something he can pawn off for Mcdonald's gift certificates potentially causing him to skip the rest of the season. Also outside of their 3rd line, all the forwards could potentially return to Dallas again next year.


Offence Rating: A


Terry (@aKa ShUt DoWn D) and @MattMurr are your top pair, those two alone will probably net you some wins. There isn’t much to say about these two as they are always highly sought after D and do play well consistently. Panda himself good enough to anchor a 2nd pair even with a nub like @Watergun13, @BearsNR5 does his job at 750k and @Zero Slinky is one of the nicest people that never talks to anyone in LG. I don’t have a strong belief in the bottom 3 D on a whole and think the playoffs will be very tough to hide them behind a good O line. And thats what may be costly to Panda unless his plan is a throw all your worst players against a 1st line type idea.


Defence Rating: B+


Vas or @l V a s l is actually a goalie ive always thought was very good at the buttons (Denham had me play with him a few times) and he is obviously proving that true. On the otherhand you have @BS PAINTRAIN 19 with a massive blow up that was even streamed.


Goaler Rating: B


Questions going forward- How does Briere maximize the amount of McDonald's food he can buy?
If Panda doesn’t wanna throw a suicide up, how does he make the 3rd line/pair usable?


6) Chi Town BlackCocks


Probably the weirdest group of forwards you could have, @Saini l14l , Hayes (No interest in typing out the tag), @Dalilaama , the french kids that suck like @ l Volcom x 28 l and @lll McClain lll … then @Dork x22 stuck with complete fucking nubs. I don’t underestand the method to the madness. luckily the bottom of the West is so fucking bad, Chicago doesn’t have to do much to make the playoffs.


Offence Rating: B-


A very talentless D with @Grogoon and @Big Fifty who would barely hang on in a big game. @pensman66 is as bad at D as he is at trolling CB. Feel free to post the gifs @mfrichardson had of him from S18. @Haunted Avocado has flashes of brilliance every now and again. If this team matches up with Dallas or LA in the playoffs, it’ll be done in 4 unless something drastic is done.


Defence Rating: C-


Hilariously both ownership members are the goaltending team which i think is the first time i’ve ever seen it. And put you $0 salary somewhat to waste. On top of it all, neither one is playing particularly good or known for being somewhat decent. Good Luck getting to or winning a Game 7 @Serpe x 13


Goaler Rating: F


Questions going forward- Will Chicago do something huge and go for it now or will they make maybe a small deal here and there banking on a few of their returning guys?
Will anybody every make a decision to have both management as the goalies, ever again?

7) Zona Yotes - most of you are scared of being biased… yolo


With one of the most balanced rosters forward wise could be a very good thing or a very bad thing. The immediate good thoughts about it the face you can match any line and at the very least have a shot at winning each game you play in. Another good thing is if availability ever becomes an issue, you aren’t filling a spot with some thumbless slob (sorry rifleman). You do walk away with issues as well. If you pushed to a Game 7, i think Zona is fairly going to be in a fairly unfavorable match-up line wise. Like Dallas, Arizona walks into next season with quite a few returning contracts which is very nice coming out of season 1. This team is also one thats build quite heavy on chemistry @Stew514 and @GunHavok / @HeatFan53 , @Copes92 and @ll Gibby12Yr ll (yeah i did it) are two lines that have played numerous games together.


Offence Rating: B+


Defence is where i really like what @FoX l1l and @Stick Dangz have done. Attempting to build the team from the back out in a game that depends so much on the breakout and puck movement amongst the team. Putting themselves back there saved having to find two top D men in a very depleted bidding pool. Also acquiring @xRICKOSHAY and @Kopitar xX has been probably the best part about their season as both would probably have a 1st pair position on most teams throughout the league. For 6 D wise, this is probably the best 6 in the league currently.


Defence Rating: A+


I can confidently say @RoWsKi l5l has already stolen us games and made his 3 mill price tag justifiable. Alongside the fucking GOAT @peasantpedro who can sometimes make a save.


Questions going forward- Do Stick and Fox try to upgrade to a more game 7 friendly first line and down grade in the third line?
Does Gibby have any fucking friends left after doing this write up?


At this point i’ll make ratings/small commentsish and not full write ups


8) San No Way Jose Sharkies


Thanks @a1xFREAKx13 for stepping up to the plate again and taking over an out of sorts team.


Offence Rating: C

Defence Rating: F


A goaltending tandem of @AK l91l and @DOLPHWEEEEEEEEN is more AIDS than Magic Johnsons asshole. I actually heard Savard use to play chubby bunny with corn dogs just to practice for post game showers.


Goaler Rating: F, for Fuckboi



9) notsoWINNINGpeg Jets


#FreePrymer

Offence Rating: C-

Defence Rating: C-

Goaler Rating: F


10) AnaheiMIA Ducks


This team is a fucking mess, can’t wait for some groupme chat leaks or something

Offence Rating: Was B-

Defence Rating: Was C

Goaler Rating: Was C


11) STL Blew cock


Not as messy, but still pretty fucking herpes strong

Offence Rating: F

Give it up @thaddeus jay , you are bad and should feel bad kiddo, Miss you @dom qp

Defence Rating: F

Goaler Rating: F, 4 who the Fuck are these Goalers?


12)Colorado Avalcants


Don’t give you phone number to @TINO45REAPER

Offence Rating: F, 4 who da Fuck bid 5.5 on Saucy

Defence Rating: C-

Goaler Rating: C+


13) Dank the Predators


Thanks for telling us to “Wait and See”

Offence Rating: C, for Come on Jemima at 6 mill

Defence Rating: D, for you are Dumb as fuck

Goaler Rating: F, for i Feel bad @Yantzer x 84 got dragged into this shit show


14) Couva CaNuges


Thanks for giving me hope in Arizona.

Offence Rating: F, for get @Hellcatxx some Fucking help

Defence Rating:C,

Goaler Rating: C, Could be decent




♥Gibby♥

 

Nice write-up, Gibby.

Looking forward to the East version as well.

 

I appreciate the fuck out of you.

 

Do eassssst sir good read

 

As the Vancouver CaNuges, I approve this message.

 

About 80% done, just wanted to get one out for people to read. Specifically TO is already written and Mafia might be able to give you a taste

 

@ll Gibby12Yr ll really great write up bro. I had the transition down and then they did the stupid fucking patch and it threw me off for a few weeks but I'm getting used to it now. Also dosent help I'm probably the most rammered goalie in the league lol.

 

Gibs. Im gnna win a game 7 just like you

 

Also have about 10 other trophies I can pawn off... Excellent idea! Definitely NOT going to the Gold and Silver Pawn shop in Vegas, that's for damn sure.

 

Javelin =\= abdomen

 

I need to have a talk with AO. I thought we were best friends.

 

@ll Gibby12Yr ll thanks for the shoutout buddy.

 

You don't need to be good to play in the NHL, you just need to be a name. Long live my brand, even with my percieved obesity and terrible goal scoring lol.

 

appreciate the message lol, was on philly til this week btw

 

@Jus2SaucY

 

@StamToast. have Odie and all his 2nd tags play 9 games in front of you some more.

 

@Odieeeeee. lol

 

I've been wetter.....

 

i can't compare with you going to watch your idol Takeru Kobayashi live...